Lynette's feeling weird about her kids growing up -- despite also managing to babysit Susan while she's babysitting and more than likely killing Paige before she outgrows all her onesies -- which causes Tom to baby-talk at her and then bone her on the nursery floor. Where of course Susan catches them and sees Tom's gigantic penis.
Yes, this is actually a storyline: Susan's obsession with the gigantic penis of "Tommy Tripod" which is what she calls him now, because she is the fucking worst. You can fill in the blanks yourself, actually, because there's nothing new here and it's just so barfy, and somehow Tom still manages to turn this into a self-esteem thing and feel sorry for himself and be a huge tampon about it, because have you met Tom?
Once Carmen explains that Gabrielle is a terrible mother and saving Grace from her is more than enough reason to go on the lam forever, Gabby calls the INS on Carmen. Then she has some kind of goddamn stroke and dresses up like a cleaning lady so the immigration officers will take her instead, and it's so stupid. Anyway -- after all that! -- Grace and Carmen finally run away to Texas. Presumably it is at this point Gabby buckles Juanita and the other one in real good and then drives her car into a lake.
The McCluskeys are sexual freaks, which is another thing we don't need to talk about. Susan and Renee decide to go to dinner, like a pair of assholes, because nobody else will have them, but since aggressively shitty Susan beefs up Renee's awesome a great deal by comparison, their conversation is kind of sparklingly weird: Apparently Renee cries, all alone, because she is still in love with Tom Scavo's gigantic penis. Susan being a contagious fuckup, Patient Zero of all Ruinings, she urges Renee to go for it and only then figures out that it's Tom they're talking about. Meanwhile Lynette has a literal cry into her pillow about how amazing Tom is and how she doesn't deserve him, because apparently she's been snorting the old China Pearl and thinks we live in Opposite World.
Bree dresses her child boyfriend up like a Jersey thug, but that still doesn't keep her safe from the intense sexual charisma of his couch-surfing dad, because what's the point of having John Schneider on your show unless he is there to be white hot sexy all over everybody. Bree fails to set him up with Libby from Lost, who is annoying and creepy and icky all at the same time, but at least derails Derek's stupid plan to extend the futility of his relationship with Bree into a doomed horrific matrimony. Then comes the full-court press from Dad, who's rocking some kind of Lewis Carroll molester haircut and still manages to be 50 times hotter than everybody, even Carlos.
Anyway, by the end of the episode suddenly Wisteria Lane is a hotbed of paranoia and infighting because it's all part of Paul's sexy, creepy plan to blow up Wisteria Lane or turn it into a labor camp or whatever, it's all just the next step in his evil plan to [don't even worry about it] so that he can build The Second Chance Community Correctional Center. Which I guess is a halfway house? And somehow this will destroy everybody? Maybe it's a halfway house... for serial killers! Fingers crossed.
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Somehow Susan taking Paige to the park for a half-hour involves Lynette tying Susan's shoes for her and making sure all the necessities are involved. Again, I must ask how putting your child in Susan's hands is not only foolhardy but, as we see, pretty much a duplication (if not exponential increase) of effort. Lynette heads upstairs to cry over the onesies that Paige has outgrown, which I guess was her plan all along, and Tom helpfully suggests starving their daughter until she fits back into the clothes of a much younger woman. Because that works so well for Teri Hatcher.
Bored of talking about their children or anything besides his chronic inability to find gainful employment, Tom Scavo tosses his wife manfully to the nursery floor -- "In front of Peter Pan?" she asks, and "He had to grow up sometime," Tom answers -- so they can have some sex. For the first time in the history of this show, though, it will not result in Lynette shitting out more ginger spice thanks our little friend Tubal Ligation. (Did we know that? Was this during the five-year jump?) I've always thought the actor of Tom was a very attractive man, but for some reason the concept of Tom Scavo fucking? Still makes me want to hurl.
And yeah, my innocence is less endangered than Peter Pan's. But you know whose isn't? That eternal innocent Susan Delfino, whose goldfish brain rediscovers sex only when it's happening. Having misplaced Paige, or a toy, or her mind, somewhere between this paragraph and the one directly above, Susan comes bumbling into the Scavo sex and screams, "I forgot Paige's doll! I'll tell her it's dead!" she screams, and runs off down the stairs and down the street and out of her clothes and into a beartrap and out of the beartrap and into an open-casket funeral for a doll.
Mary Alice starts off on this tangent about broccoli but ends up in this super weird, Monsters Are Due On Maple Street kind of Red Scare Paranoia thing that is, no doubt, the reason Republicans love this show so much. That and the Mexican jokes. "It's a question we all ask ourselves: Do I trust the folks who live next door? Can I count on the woman who lives down the block?"
That is not, Mary Alice, a question or set of questions that "we" all ask ourselves, with any frequency really at all. I understand that, as a murderess and kidnapper and wife of a lunatic and victim of blackmail and chopper-up of toy box-crammed corpses and associate of drug addicts you might think that this is healthy paranoia but it's really not. Not even with Paul Young's spicy self buying up all the property like we're on Park Place do those questions really count. This sort of thinking is how somebody like Bree ends up with guns.