Desperate Housewives
Pretty Little Picture

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Pretty Little Picture

Fade up on Mary Alice, peaceful in her coffin. As she steams toward the fires of the crematorium -- cheery on a cold night like this one! -- we hear her explain that, after she died, "every trace of [her] humanity was discarded." Yes, literally. Visual puns, check. Mary Alice, you so hokey. MAVO tells us that she held on to only one thing: her dignity. Oh, no, wait. Sorry, I meant her memory.

We cut to KimberBree, alone in bed, fiddling her with her giant diamond ring. I would not be surprised to learn that she made it herself out of a lump of coal. MAVO remembers things about KimberBree: "The easy confidence of her smile, the gentle elegance of her hands." Amusingly, the gentle elegance of her hands are illustrated as she lights a dessert on fire under this VO. MAVO waxes poetic about "the warmth of [KimberBree's] voice," as KimberBree says goodbye to Guests From The Past, including Mary Alice, and turns to say, "Rex, wasn't that a lovely even--" Her voice trails off as he turns his back on her and just walks away. Yes, yes, marital issues at Casa Van de Kamp. But what MAVO remembered most about KimberBree was "the look of fear in her eyes."

Apparently, according to MAVO, the "state of [KimberBree's] marriage was unacceptable." Really? I never would have guessed. Shut your trap, dead lady. As MAVO yammers on and on and on and on and on, KimberBree gets out of bed, goes downstairs, and wakes up Rex, who's sacked out on the sofa bed. He bitches for a bit, until she reminds him that he has to go upstairs and get into their bedroom or the kids will know they're not sharing a bed and that something is wrong. Rex "doesn't care anymore." Way to be invested in your family, dude. I know you're over the wife, but think about the kids. And I'm not necessarily advocating lying to them, but you could at least argue for being honest with them. I hate Rex. I wouldn't want to be married to KimberBree either -- except for how delightful the housekeeping and meals would be, and because I would get to try on all her cute little suits -- but he is so checked out. And I feel like, if you've agreed to the therapy thing, then you also actually need to try and work on the marriage even when you're not in therapy. Or, you can tell your spouse that you're not interested in therapy, you want a divorce, and then you can actually move out, call a divorce lawyer, and serve her with papers. KimberBree is crazy, but at least she sticks to her plan, dude. Whereas Rex is totally passive. He does nothing. Make a move, man, or shut up.

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Desperate Housewives

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