Desperate Housewives

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Evany: B- | Grade It Now!

Back in the now, Danielle is still asleep, and Matthew's still watching her, but this time, the "Looming Serial Killer" violins strum at a fevered pitch!

Flashback: Eight Years Ago. Wisteria Lane's greeting committee -- Bree (wearing a short white tennis skirt and pale peach tennis sweater, carrying her ubiquitous basket of muffins), Susan (hair back to normal, a basket of flowers in her hand), and giantess Mary Alice (carrying a bottle of wine) -- walk up to the Scavo house to find the newly-moved-in Tom and Lynette in the middle of a screamer of a fight. Dead MAVO tells us that the ladies instantly knew that Lynette was going to their friend, if only because they could see (via this demonstration of her fierce battling capabilities) that she would make an unpleasant enemy. Good call! The ladies nervously offer to come back later, but Lynette is thrilled by the timing of their arrival; she needs impartial judges to weigh in on her fight with Tom. Lynette, with true Lynette-brand craziness, lays it out for them: what if, say, your husband begged you to have a baby, and you agreed, even though it meant risking your career, and then, when you went in for the ultrasound, a twin heartbeat was detected: "And then, and only then, does your husband tell you that twins run in his family!...Do I not deserve to punish this man severely?" And yet, isn't it true that any twins-making capabilities are passed down on the mother's side, from lady ancestors who also have a knack for laying eggs in multiples? Susan: "Well, actually I think that twins are genetically determined by the mother." Exactly! Wow, Susan and I just had a mind meld. That's not a good sign, is it? Lynette, to Susan: "What are you, a scientist?" Ha! Susan, shrinking: "I write children's books." Bree sputters something about coming back at a better time, but then Tom begs them to stay. He hugs Lynette and says some soothing words about how maybe they should try not to "freak out" the new neighbors, and slowly Lynette thaws. Bashfully, she tells the ladies, "I'm sorry that you saw my panic attack. I won't let it happen again, especially since this is my last pregnancy." Double-ha. Tom: "Right, you're the boss, I'm just your love slave." Ladies, collectively: "Awww." "Don't encourage him," Lynette smiles. Tom: "Honey, clearly are new neighbors can sense that you have been gifted with a phenomenal husband."

Cut to Lynette, in the now, still sitting by the hotel pool and still very sad. She's staring off into space, the final two words from the flashback, "phenomenal husband," clearly ringing in her head with bitter irony. She calls the many kids over to her side; she has an announcement to make. As gently as possible, she tells them that, starting tomorrow, they will all be living at "Grandma's." Everybody, that is, except Tom, who won't be living with them anymore. But he will be coming by and visiting them all the time, and they're still going to be a "family." With barely contained sad, she concludes, "So, are there any questions you want to ask me?" Twin P1, thrilled: "Can we go swimming now?" Her kids' lack of concern or even interest throws Lynette for a second, and she just sits there kind of staring at them for a few beats; then she nods a tiny yes, and the three boy Ps go screaming off into the pool, mute Penny staying behind to eat what looks like a leaf of lettuce. You know, I'm kind of worried about Penny. She just doesn't seem to be developing at the normal rate. She's far too short, and way too quiet, and she hardly ever smiles. She just sits there, eating lettuce? It's like she's some kind of dwarf panda thing. Are they making her sleep in a box at night to stunt her growth and depress her spirit? If so, then maybe it's time for a bigger box. Just a suggestion! Meanwhile, the three P boys are all huge, and, disturbingly enough, the hugeness is the same for all three Ps (same general size and height), despite the fact that the twins are supposed to be older. Perhaps a switch to organic milk is in order?

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Desperate Housewives




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