Desperate Housewives

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Evany: B- | Grade It Now!

Flashback: Three Years Ago. This is the day Gabby moved to town. By now, the Wizard Of Oz gang has snowballed up to four: Lynette, Bree (with muffins), Susan, and Mary Alice. The four ladies march up to Gabby's house. Dead MAVO tells us how excited they all were to "get a glimpse of a successful New York model." The door is open, so they wander inside. Gabby, wearing a matching red lace bra-and-panty set, stumbles out from behind a box. With a rather vague sense of modesty, Gabby manages to locate one of Carlos's shirts and puts it on, but she doesn't button it up or anything. She smilingly offers to shake their hands, but Lynette (who is, what, cracking sunflower seeds with her teeth? snapping gum?) wryly offers to come back at a better time. Gabby laughs and says something about how she was just changing out of her sweaty clothes: "I didn't realize that moving was such great cardio." The ladies all laugh. Then Carlos, wearing nothing but a buttondown shirt and a beard, comes walking out, saying something about how he and Gabby "haven't done it in the kitchen yet." Wait a second -- if he's wearing a shirt, then where did the shirt Gabby's wearing now come from? Or is the whole house just littered with his shirts, what with all the it-doing? Gabby: "Honey, uh, I think it's time to unpack the pants." Ha! Carlos greets the Ladies with a huge, self-satisfied smile, and then heads back to the kitchen. MA: "Let me guess, newlyweds?" Gabby laughs a yes and says it's only been four months. "He's insatiable."

Insatiable...Insatiable......ble...ble...ble...Flash-forward to Gabby, standing in her closet and pensively observing Carlos, who's already fast asleep in bed. She nuzzles up next to him, and he flinches awake. She tells him she's "trying to have sex with [him]," and he mutters something about it being late. Gabby is scandalized. Carlos never ever wants to forego sex: "You wanted to have sex with me an hour after your hernia operation!" Carlos rather lamely says something about how he's too distraught over the loss of Ralph to be in the mood. He settles in like he's going to go back to sleep, and Gabby puts her head on his chest and sits there, thinking for a minute. Then she tells Carlos how Money "said the strangest thing today." Carlos's eyes open in fear. Can Carlos think of any reason why Money would plead with Gabby not to kill Carlos? Carlos: "The poor kid. Awwww, we really need to get her some English lessons." Strike Three!

Early the next morning, Julie and Susan are asleep in their trailer when chipper, chipper Karl starts the engine and drives them off. He's got a surprise to show them! They pull up in front of a house, and Karl proudly tells them that it now belongs to Susan and Julie. There's three bedrooms, a "gourmet kitchen," a studio out back for Susan. There is even a pool! Julie gives a small peep of delight and goes running inside to check out the new digs. As soon as Julie's out of sight, Susan asks Karl, "What's the catch?" He claims that there are no strings attached; this house is just "payback" for all the years of "heartache" he's given Susan. Susan makes some sounds about how she can't accept the gift, that she needs to get her life together all on her own, but then Julie comes running out and shouts that there's not only a pool, there's a Jacuzzi too, yay! Karl, holding up the keys to the house: "At least no one can drive off with it while you're sleeping." Hm. How did Karl, who didn't have enough money to pay for Susan's splenectomy, pay for this new house? I can't imagine that vindictive Edie gave him back his share of the money for the ski condo. You know, I wonder if maybe Karl is in the throes of a manic episode right now? What with all the smiling and the early rising and the huge, huge outpouring of money? Or maybe he "bought" the house with, like, a ten-dollar down payment, leaving Susan's with a $5k monthly mortgage? In short, it seems way too good to be true, but since Susan's optimism never seems to wane, even after feeling the sting of endless "too good to be true" scenarios, I'm guessing she's going to feel the burn soon enough. Oh, Sigh-san!

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Desperate Housewives




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