Desperate Housewives
Remember

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Remember

Cut to Gabby and John the Gardener, in their underwear, lying on a pile of...couch cushions? Manure? Hm. John the Gardener is stoked to have finally lost his virginity. Now, quite a few people on the boards are totally upset by John's underaged-ness, and at the risk of inviting a world of hurt onto my head, I'm going to go on record as saying that I'm actually not that bothered by it. He seems so pleased to have just had sex with an older, more experienced lady, and doing so has probably done him (and the next woman he has sex with) some huge favors (skills-wise); he just seems so happy and not-at-all traumatized. Sure, if he were a girl instead of a guy, and Gabby were some pervy older man, this would be a much less savory scene. But...well, he is who he is, and she is who she is, and given the particular parameters of this precise situation, I'm not that grossed out by it. Also half the people I grew up with had already lost their virginities by the time they were John's age, so clearly I'm jaded. And a slut. Anyway! Gabby and John exchange some funny lines about how he fared, what with being a virgin and all ("I guess it was a little weird when you started naming the American presidents in order"), and he very sincerely thanks her for the opportunity, which he very much enjoyed. Gabby: "Good, because this can never happen again." She explains how this one-time-only (ha) event transpired solely because she was angry with Carlos: "Now, thanks to you, I'm not angry anymore." John does some huffing about how Gabby totally should be mad, what with Carlos never at home. Why, John bets that Carlos is probably off having an affair of his own. Gabby laughs, "Carlos doesn't have an adulterous bone in his body." All it takes is one, though! Gabby rather sadly explains that sex is sacred to Carlos because it's his one way of expressing his love, versus, say, "talking, listening," or "spending time" with Gabby. John nicely leans over and kisses her, and she's all, "Well, since this is our only time together, might as well make the most of it." And they fall back onto the manure cushions.

Back in the now, Gabby is wildly suspicious of her husband. Oh what a difference a few years, and a long-term affair with an underaged gardener, make! One by one, she plants baby monitors (purchased I guess when they brought baby Lily home) around the house. She comes into the kitchen and announces that she's going to be gone for "like three hours," first at the gym, and then at the mall. Carlos eyes her suspiciously. As well he should; that was one of the most indelicate setups ever.

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Desperate Housewives

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