Desperate Housewives
Running To Stand Still

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
Running To Stand Still

Previously: shit went down.

MAVO bugs me so much I'm not going to recap her at all anymore unless it's absolutely, 100% necessary. I'm your MAVO now, bitches. Without the suicide. Well, so far.

So, we learn that Gabrielle and Mama Solis have been at war since the very night that Gabrielle and Carlos got engaged. "From the prenuptial agreement she reluctantly signed, to the selection if wedding music she despised," MAVO says -- and how quickly I had to rescind my no MAVO rule -- "to the color of the house paint she hadn't wanted, Gabrielle suffered one defeat after another." Including her unfortunate side ponytail, by the way. And now that Mama Solis suspected that Gabrielle of getting a little bone on the side, she was doubly screwed. For example, Mama Solis has decided that Gabrielle doesn't need Yao Lin around to help her with the house, and she says so to Carlos. Gabrielle looks perturbed. "It's a big house. I need help," she bleats. Also, she needs someone around to blame in case Miguel leaves his jockstrap under the bed. "It's only called 'help' when you do some of the work yourself," Mama Solis says. Gabrielle stammers that she "supervises." Mama Solis shrugs and tells Carlos that he's paying Yao Lin fifteen grand a year, while he's always saying that he needs to be putting more money away for his retirement. Carlos thinks about this and tells Gabrielle that they do need to start cutting back on expenses. "You expect me to take care of this place all by myself?" Gabrielle asks. Dude, what else you are doing, other than yoga and the gardener? If you had a job, or kids, then I would be all aboard the maid train. But right now? It's hard for me to feel bad for you. Carlos says he thinks she'll manage, but all she manages to do is pout.

Later that night, Gabrielle slinks out of the bathroom in hot pants and a push-up bra and crawls all over Carlos. She points out that if they get rid of the maid, she will have no energy to blow him. Well, basically. She doesn't say the word "blow," but she does crawl down his torso to end the scene, and I don't think she's going down there to give him a pedicure.

Not to mention the fact that, the next morning, Carlos looks uber-satisfied and announces to his mother that the maid is staying. Gabrielle looks pleased with herself in a way that cannot possibly stem from even the most adroit cuticle trimming.

Creepy Paul decides to have a Yard Sale. Surprisingly, his signs do not read "Suicide Close-Out! All Suspicious Clues Must Go! All Reasonable Offers Accepted!" People browse, as Creepy Paul unpacks a box labeled "Baby Stuff/Red Herrings?" Susan strolls up with a hideous square glass bowl that is apparently some award Mary Alice won for some boring fund-raising type thing. Susan can't believe Paul is selling it! Shouldn't he keep it for Zack to remember his mother by? Paul is all, "No," and in this instance, I agree with Creepy Paul. First of all, it's an ugly, ugly bowl from, like Successories. Second, it's an award from the Chamber of Commerce, not an Oscar. Third, who remembers his mother with an ugly ugly bowl from Successories given by the Chamber of Commerce? It's not like Paul is selling Mary Alice's wedding dress or her high-school yearbook or her original Picasso, or her diary, for Pete's sake. Susan makes a series of accusatory faces, and Paul just drones that they're out of newspaper, and wraps the bowl in an old baby blanket. He never takes any money from her, so I am at a loss as to how this is a "sale," rather than a "come and take stuff that will later turn out to be clues"-type event. Susan is all, "Speaking of Zack, where the hell did you lock him up, you disgusting murdering perv, you?" or something along those lines. Paul lies that he sent Zack to "stay with relatives." Who? Susan asks. This is the kind of questioning that used to get Trixie Belden tied up and thrown in the trunk of an old jalopy, Susan, so I'd watch it if I were you. Paul retorts that Susan doesn't know them. "So, how'd you get the fat lip?' she asks."The usual way: asking too many questions," says Paul. Oh, burn. And yet, well played, Paul. Well played. Susan is the least subtle detective ever. Compared to her, Nancy Drew looks like a member of Special Ops. Susan just chuckles nervously and takes her ugly, ugly bowl and heads over to chit chat with Gabrielle. "Did you find out where Zack is?" Gabrielle asks. "No, but I can tell you this much: he's NOT staying with relatives," Susan retorts.

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Desperate Housewives




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