Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Help Me Help You Help Me

Gabi: "Stop making your daughter practice the violin!"
Gay: "She told us she wanted to learn the violin, so we're sticking to it. Like parents."
Gabi: "Parenting means doing nothing and playing with dolls while your children go to hell! This is child abuse!"

Luckily, there's a big talent show at the school in about five minutes, so Gabi decides to prove her point by making Juanita learn to tap dance, because of the many things Juanita has decided to try, one of them was once tap dancing. Now that she's not interested in it anymore -- and thinking about an armpit-based comedy act -- Gabi has decided she'll prove the Gays wrong by... proving them right. Credits, and then more hateful Mary Alice bullshit.

"There are many things that bring us pleasure -- baking for our friends, having a good laugh, donating to charity -- but the things that bring us pleasure may not be enough to give our lives meaning... Without someone to love."

(Because what's charity worth, if you're not getting off on it? Or getting off, period? Only Mary Alice, from beyond her sinner's grave, can see the connections between any of these entirely unrelated things. It's one of the privileges of being dead. And a smug bitch.)

Beth: "Hey Paul, remember how you kicked me out of the house and basically threatened my life? I don't."
Paul: "I don't know if you got the memo, but I'm a vengeful bastard. Get out."
Beth: "How about lambchops for dinner?"
Paul: "Get out of my house, psycho!"
Beth: "Every couple has their fights, Paul. I'm not the first mail-order bride on this street to marry a psychotic real-estate mogul on false pretenses after my mother cut off her own fingers to frame him for murder, and then fall in love with him, and I won't be the last. Don't be silly."

Paul: "What do I have to do to make you understand that we are not married anymore?"
Beth: "Look, it's not like you even killed my aunt, so stop acting like you're scary."
Paul: "Honey, I killed the shit out of your aunt. With an industrial blender."
Beth: "I... did not know that."
Paul: "You are not very lucky in the family department."
Beth: "No, Paul. No, I am not."

Juanita: "I'll do something else at the show, I'll tell jokes. A Jewish guy and a Mexican walk into a bar..." (Bleep-bloop.)

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Desperate Housewives




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