Desperate Housewives

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Help Me Help You Help Me

Renee: "Your children are gone, but this stink remains, of semen and ass-sweat and feet."
Lynette: "The most wonderful smell in the world: Teenage boy."
Renee: "Seriously I'm going to barf. This is why pedophilia is an unworkable concept."
Lynette: "Your womb is shards of glass and Chanel No. 5. You'll never understand what it is to be Woman In Full Flower."
Renee: "So I should shit out 50 kids with the worst man I can locate, like you did?"
Lynette: "DON'T QUESTION MY CHOICES. MADE-UP FEMINISM."

(Mike finally accompanies Susan to the Kidney Wing of Fairview General, where the only thing they care about is Susan's fucking deformed kidney and her six hours of dialysis three times a week. In these environs Mike sticks out like a sore thumb, because he can barely stand her as it is.)

Doctor: "Your shit's all fucked up and retarded."
Susan: "I blame you."
Doctor: "If you want to do anything in your life to be proud of, I suggest you start now. You really don't want to answer to St. Peter at this point, given how you're so far worthless, and frankly pretty gross."
Susan: "You mean like fucking in the woods?"
Doctor: "...Yes, you half-wit."

Mike: "Wait, what?"
Susan: "I blame you."

(Susan proudly takes the thrilling news of impending death to her friends, who have nothing to do in the middle of the day but listen about the six hours of dialysis three times a week.)

Susan: "So basically, now's my chance to get all the attention in the entire universe."
Gabrielle: "You look puffy."
Lynette: "At least you had children, unlike poor, shitty, barren Renee. You can die happy."
Renee: "I still haven't gotten anything out of this. I thought it was going to be like having a friend with cancer, but hilarious."
Susan: "All eyes on me, please."

Bree: "Are you there, God? It's me, your worst nightmare. I am prepared to make Susan's deformed kidney my problem, which makes it your problem."
God: "If any of you think I give a damn about Susan Delfino, let's review the tape."

(Bree travels far and wide, or at least up and down the block, looking for donors for Susan's kidney. Nobody cares or even wants to discuss it. This is because Susan is a horror, but Mary Alice would have you believe it's because we're all secretly sick inside.)

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Desperate Housewives

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