Bree is at a neighbor's fancy lunch party when the FBI busts in and arrests the hostess for keeping a Chinese girl locked up in her kitchen as a personal slave. The church steps in and asks the Solises to temporarily house the Chinese girl; Good Christian Carlos is thrilled to help, but Crabby Gabby is not at all pleased by the idea...until she discovers what a great seamstress, cook, and hairbrusher the Chinese girl really is. Gabby woos the Chinese girl with a worthless but shiny bracelet, and the Chinese girl is totally stoked -- so much so that when it comes time for her to return to China, she refuses to go. And the Solises have themselves a new maid! Uninsured Susan can't afford to pay for her wandering spleen operation, so Edie matchmakes her with a well-insured gay man who needs a wife to please his "still doesn't know her son is gay" mother. But whoops: on altar day, the gay man's boyfriend pitches a fit, and the wedding gets cancelled. So Karl offers to marry Susan! Without telling Edie! Down at the office, Tom bonds with boss Ed by allowing himself to be the butt of Ed's increasingly heinous challenges (Tom catches tossed peanuts in his mouth, eats a toilet-dunked donut, and so on). Lynette, who can't stand watching her husband become Ed's "bitch," subjects herself to one of Ed's challenges: if Lynette can eat a pound of raw bacon (!), Ed will stop with the childish office antics. And Lynette? She eats that entire pound of raw bacon, slice by slice! Bree waits for Betty and Matthew to leave their house, then she brings a freshly baked cobbler over to Caleb. Caleb gobbles the cobbler and then happily tells Bree (who he thinks is "pretty") all about how he hurt the Melanie girl (who he also thought was "pretty"). Later, a furious Betty comes over to Bree's house to screech at Bree for pumping Caleb for info. But when Bree reveals just how much she now knows about the Applewrongs' big secret, Betty sadly confesses the whole story: Matthew and Melanie were dating, but Caleb was in love with Melanie, too. When Caleb told Melanie about his feelings, the girl laughed in his face, and well, there was this axe, sitting right there.... Bree leans across the table and squeezes Betty's hand sympathetically. The two cover-up artists totally bond! Noah receives an "anonymous" note (handed to him, oh-so-conveniently, by Nurse Felicia) about how he has a grandson. Noah sends crooked cop Sullivan to threaten Mike into spilling the truth, and Mike promises to deliver Zana to Noah's bedside within two days...or else!
Previously: Susan needed to get her health care figured out so that she can get her wandering spleen removed; Noah had a dirty cop named Sullivan in his pocket; Danielle and Matthew swapped spit and also secrets.
As usual, MAVO gets things started in her freakishly mirthful "I've just swallowed a bouquet of giggles and sunshine" way: "Once a month, the crème de la crème of Fairview society would attend a semi-formal luncheon at the home of Maxine Bennett." A bunch of ladies I don't ever recall seeing before file into a well-appointed house and air-kiss hostess Maxine (played by Jane Lynch of Best in Show and 40-Foot Virgin fame, yay). "Everyone loved these elegant get-togethers. Everyone, that is, but a certain redheaded housewife [the camera zooms in on the backside of the famous Bree flip], who was convinced Maxine was a liar. You see, Maxine liked to brag that she did all her own cooking." Maxine saunters out of the kitchen, carrying two little plates featuring elaborately assembled salads. MAVO: "And because each course was served promptly, presented with flair, and was positively mouthwatering [we get a montage of a series of beautiful plates of food being set down before Bree while all the hens around her bawk-bawk out compliments], Bree knew that Maxine had had some help." Maxine stands across from Bree and leans in to receive more praise from her guests, and then shoots Bree a small, gloating look. MAVO: "And sadly for Maxine, Bree intended to prove it."
Later, over coffee, Bree trills out for all the luncheon guests to hear: "Maxine, once again, this entire lunch was just out of this world! I just have to get the number of your caterer." Maxine, with false modesty: "What a nice compliment...no, I'm afraid this is all my doing." The tablemate to Bree's left (and our right) agrees that the luncheon was, indeed, a "triumph." Bree, exasperated (and just a tad jealous?): "Oh, come on. Do you honestly expect us to believe that you had the time to prepare a six-course meal for ten women? Even I couldn't make this and have time to get ready for a party." Maxine, with a liar's smile: "Well, perhaps you're just not as organized as I am." Maxine excuses herself and heads off to circulate with the coffee, and Tablemate turns to Bree to ask what's gotten into her. And really, as someone on the boards pointed out, this kind of public confrontation is a little rude for Bree the Impeccable. Bree: "I have this same recipe for English plum pudding. It takes six hours to prepare. How did she have time to make all of this and everything else that we ate today? This is not the pudding of an honest woman." Is that some kind of Victorian insult about loose morals?