Susan opens up her mouth and out rainbows a barrage of bullshit so unbelievably intense it actually makes the earth shake a little bit. "I cannot stand by and listen to that baby cry. Even for one minute. It's more than I can handle. I listen to MJ crying himself to sleep every night because he misses his dad. I cry myself to sleep because my kid is crying. There's just too much crying in my life. I can't take it." So Lynette pulls out a baseball bat and finally gives her stupidest friend something to cry about.
Nope. Instead, probably realizing it's her own fault for assuming Susan's bony meddling incompetence wouldn't present itself somehow, Lynnette's all, "I had no idea. Do you want to call Mike using my telephone? Even though it is so expensive, I don't mind. I know now how absolutely fragile your mental state has become." Because in 2010 the real issue is those darn long-distance fees you're forced to pay. Is this show written by a time machine? Wasn't Susan a camwhore like a week ago? So you've heard of the internet, yes? And cellphones? Is it possible Susan wasn't able to reach Mike earlier because she was dialing a lightswitch or soup tureen?
"The phone's so expensive, I'd better use this overripe banana to call my husband. Alaska, if you please. Hello? Helllloooo? Alaska? Have I been connected with Alaska? Darn it. Mike, is that you? Alaska, is that you? Oh, for... These overseas connections are always so staticky. Hello?"
Bob is the only attorney in Fairview, but it's okay, because he also practices all the kinds of law that there are. So now he's got his immigration lawyer hat on for Carmen. Hector's a lost cause, and even Carmen's being realistic about how she's breaking the law, but Gaby doesn't want to hear it because she is obsessed with Grace. "We always knew this day might come," Carmen explains: "This was the plan. I'm sticking to it." Grace packs up all her crap and tells Gaby she's going on a trip, and Gabrielle continues hammering at Carmen, but it's only by dangling the promise of more Juanita in her life that makes a dent. So the new plan is to keep Carmen and Grace in the basement at the Solis house so nobody can find them. That's the new plan.
Renee and Tom drink some nice huge glasses of wine, all alone now that Susan and Lynette are grab-assing around across the street and all the kids are dead or dying in a ditch somewhere for all they know. Renee plays a sad sad song about how she's old and lonely and sad and sexy and how she wishes she'd settled for somebody like Tom instead of only dating successful men who've made something of themselves. Instead of being offended, Tom stares at her boobs until Lynette comes back over and grabs Renee's wine and they say they were talking about her, only the most complimentary things, like how Lynette's got the kind of husband you'd risk your business and friendships to steal. Again.