Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Almost Everybody's All-American

Felicia Tillman summons her daughter Beth so they can have a truly stomach-wrenching frank talk about sex. Specifically the sex that Beth is having with Paul Young, that may cause her to fall in love with him and earn her Momma's wrath, but might also be a weapon to find out more about that time Paul killed Martha Huber. At this point I'm unsure what facts they're missing -- both Felicia and Beth seem pretty clear on how it went down -- but whatever, it's wicked creepy. Multiple euphemisms.

Felicia talks herself into whoring out her daughter to the murderer some more, but notices that Beth is starting to realize that Paul Young is just kind of great and there's no real reason for them to be doing any of this. Mary Alice is like, "And that's why Felicia would eventually have to kill Beth, too, and then find another relative to avenge that death, and so on until eventually everyone in Fairview would either be in prison or in the ground, and she will still be missing fingers, because she is one crazy bitch."

Or really, she's babbling about Thanksgiving and how women spend them slaving over a hot stove with their shoes off because they don't need shoes, only to provide for their families. Unless they are Gabby, in which case they just bring home the entire international aisle from the grocery store and tell her husband that because he is the Mexican of their family, he gets to cook Mexican Thanksgiving for those super-Mexican parents Grace has the misfortune of having. For now.

Mexican Thanksgiving is just like Real Thanksgiving. Except instead of beans we eat frijoles and instead of turkey it's tamales and instead of rolls it's bollitos (which are rolls) and instead of stuffing it's chorizo stuffing and instead of cornbread it's jalapeƱo cornbread. Mexican-Americans: They're just like us, but with a little racist touch.

Well, except that they don't celebrate Thanksgiving, because as it turns out, the day Europeans landed in the Americas was not really that great a day for their ancestors. Or pretty much anybody besides white Europeans such as... Gabrielle. Or, well, for Hector and Carmen, because they're just ticking off the time until they can get deported and go back to Mexico and leave their anchor-baby in Fairview. Luckily, Hector and Carmen don't have long to wait, because Gabrielle can fuck your entire life for you faster than a black cat breaking a mirror when she feels like it.

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Desperate Housewives

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