Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Almost Everybody's All-American

Finally Lynette corners her and sends the boys upstairs so she can beat the shit out of Susan for circumventing her parenting and being a terrible friend and employee. Susan responds that it doesn't matter how weak and gross she is, because Lynette is a "lazy mom." The fuck you say? Lynette says that whether or not that's true, Susan doesn't know what the fuck she's talking about, anyway, and besides, still not her kid, so how about Susan cuts it out with the self-centered guilt trips and just does her fucking job?

Nope. Susan quits. She is too high-and-mighty and convinced that she is a better mother than Lynette, and shecan't stop talking about it for even one second. Lynette points out that this is extreme, although she doesn't seem willing to acknowledge how friendship-endingly impolite Susan is being.

Susan opens up her mouth and out rainbows a barrage of bullshit so unbelievably intense it actually makes the earth shake a little bit. "I cannot stand by and listen to that baby cry. Even for one minute. It's more than I can handle. I listen to MJ crying himself to sleep every night because he misses his dad. I cry myself to sleep because my kid is crying. There's just too much crying in my life. I can't take it." So Lynette pulls out a baseball bat and finally gives her stupidest friend something to cry about.

Nope. Instead, probably realizing it's her own fault for assuming Susan's bony meddling incompetence wouldn't present itself somehow, Lynnette's all, "I had no idea. Do you want to call Mike using my telephone? Even though it is so expensive, I don't mind. I know now how absolutely fragile your mental state has become." Because in 2010 the real issue is those darn long-distance fees you're forced to pay. Is this show written by a time machine? Wasn't Susan a camwhore like a week ago? So you've heard of the internet, yes? And cellphones? Is it possible Susan wasn't able to reach Mike earlier because she was dialing a lightswitch or soup tureen?

"The phone's so expensive, I'd better use this overripe banana to call my husband. Alaska, if you please. Hello? Helllloooo? Alaska? Have I been connected with Alaska? Darn it. Mike, is that you? Alaska, is that you? Oh, for... These overseas connections are always so staticky. Hello?"

Bob is the only attorney in Fairview, but it's okay, because he also practices all the kinds of law that there are. So now he's got his immigration lawyer hat on for Carmen. Hector's a lost cause, and even Carmen's being realistic about how she's breaking the law, but Gaby doesn't want to hear it because she is obsessed with Grace. "We always knew this day might come," Carmen explains: "This was the plan. I'm sticking to it." Grace packs up all her crap and tells Gaby she's going on a trip, and Gabrielle continues hammering at Carmen, but it's only by dangling the promise of more Juanita in her life that makes a dent. So the new plan is to keep Carmen and Grace in the basement at the Solis house so nobody can find them. That's the new plan.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12Next

Desperate Housewives




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP