Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Almost Everybody's All-American

Renee and Tom drink some nice huge glasses of wine, all alone now that Susan and Lynette are grab-assing around across the street and all the kids are dead or dying in a ditch somewhere for all they know. Renee plays a sad sad song about how she's old and lonely and sad and sexy and how she wishes she'd settled for somebody like Tom instead of only dating successful men who've made something of themselves. Instead of being offended, Tom stares at her boobs until Lynette comes back over and grabs Renee's wine and they say they were talking about her, only the most complimentary things, like how Lynette's got the kind of husband you'd risk your business and friendships to steal. Again.

Bree goes over to Keith's bachelor pad to check on him and apologize for destroying his parents' marriage, but as usual Keith wouldn't blame Bree if she had actually done anything wrong. Finally the dad appears and explains that, since Keith's been out of the house for a good 20 years, he has no idea how long this has been coming. Keith responds by throwing a fit about how he doesn't want his parents to get divorced and how he doesn't believe in marriage anymore, and Bree's like, "I will never give up on marriage because when it works, it's great. And I still believe it could happen again for me!"

Everybody notices that she just said that to her boyfriend, in front of his father, which is a Rules no-no if ever there was one, so they decide to take a walk and forget all about it. But before they go, the dad hits on Bree and she stares at him with the surprise and shock of somebody who is about to leave her pointless boyfriend for his marginally older, vastly hotter father who hates women almost as much as Bree does.

Beth visits her mom in jail to talk more about the marital arts and whatever it is that they want her to do, which used to make sense but is now really getting kind of muddy, and Felicia, this is her big new plan: "Join some Wine of the Month club, start getting him drunk on a regular basis." I don't really understand how Felicia's mind works at all. "Have some wine and talk about your murders. Not interested? Well, there's always next month."

Beth wonders if maybe Paul didn't kill Aunt Martha, which is also wrong but marginally less crazy than Felicia's bizarre obsession with him, and Felicia tells her to shut the operation down and leave the house immediately. Beth protests, finally admitting she doesn't want to move out on her husband, and Felicia loses her shit all over the place to the point where the guards have to drag her away. Way to make your case, Mom.

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Desperate Housewives

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