Desperate Housewives

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Almost Everybody's All-American

Carlos points out that Gaby is making fun of their culture, and she's all, "No! I'm celebrating it! There's two bags of your culture right there!" and runs off to pinch Juanita's fat between her fake nails and wait for Grace in the window seat and write her name in the steam on the window over and over and over.

Renee comes to ask Lynette what she's doing for Thanksgiving, and Lynette does her usual Cathy routine about cooking and cleaning and it's so hard when you keep shooting out kids every week and ack, and finally Renee invites her over for Thanksgiving, because she is lonely. Lynette invites Susan and MJ to dinner at Renee's house also, which is very polite of her, and Renee says that Susan's not getting paid overtime. "As a guest!" Lynette thunders, being even more polite, and finally Renee has to explain the problem with Susan.

"See, I like to hang out with people? Human adults? And Susan is more like a cartoon character of a poor person with saggy boobs showing and a general inability to do anything but suck. Ever." J/K, she's all, "She's always so perky and poor!" Which is hilarious, but not really accurate. Partly because she's not actually poor and mostly she's not actually perky, she is a total fucking downer and a never-ending hurricane of mental dysfunction, constant whining and babbling about her stupid problems, interfering with everybody way past any sensible boundaries, and generally a causer of trouble at every turn.

"She's my friend, and it is Thanksgiving," says Lynette, yet another polite thing to say, and Renee admits she's thankful she's not Susan, and that she and her awful kid can come to dinner after all. Then Lynette tells Renee who else she can and can't invite, what time dinner will be, what they will be doing, and words and phrases Renee is and is not allowed to say at her own house during the dinner she's feeding Lynette and her fucking fifty children.

Lynette, who has just been wandering the yard while Susan is inside raising her baby, goes inside to tell Susan the great news and how she browbeat Renee into serving her and her awful son some resentful peas and carrots. "You know how she loves children," Lynette lies, and Susan murmurs, "Yeah: Medium rare." And what's Susan doing, while this conversation is going on? Oh, taking the baby for a walk in the stroller. Around the couch.

Now, before you assume that she's just confused about the difference between indoors and outdoors again, let me tell you that she has a plan: Put Paige to sleep. And instead of taking her on an actual walk, Susan has decided to put her to sleep through an imaginary walk. Maybe because she didn't want to talk to Lynette about the baby, because that would imply that she is a nanny, and she could once again have a self-esteem flip-out about how far the webcam whores have fallen.

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Desperate Housewives

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