Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Almost Everybody's All-American

Lynette's like, "Actually, it's time to sleep-train her." Susan has no idea what she's talking about, because still Julie sleeps wherever she finds herself -- public transport, dinner with clients, the mall -- and she still breastfeeds MJ. So Lynette explains the basics of people and how they fall asleep and how that's something you need to teach a child to do on her own, so that she will be able to sleep on her own for the rest of her life.

But of course Susan's way too selfish for that. "How can I possibly endure the crying of your child for the under-a-week that your plan will take? My heart, my heart! I'm such a good person that I can't endure the crying of one single child in this world. It's certainly got nothing to do with my ADD and inability to tune it out for a few minutes." Lynette tries to explain about self-sufficiency, gets about three words in and remembers who she's talking to, and lets it go. But Susan, she will not be letting it go: What about, she asks, the "lonely little person who was crying, and now thinks she was abandoned"? (...Wait, who were we talking about? Susan, we were talking about the baby. Not your worthless ass. Of course, by the end of the episode you'll have worn Lynette down so well with your lack of backbone and officiously terrible parenting that we will actually be talking about you. So good job, there.)

Lynette describes the ability to put oneself to sleep a "gift," although actually it's more like "a necessary life skill," but Susan's way too up her own ass to understand doing things for your children that require self-control. Why even have kids if you have to be the grownup, even just once in a while? The only gift Paige is getting, by Susan's lights, is "the gift of a tear-stained pillow," as she moans to herself while Lynette is upstairs doing her fucking job for her. "What a lucky little girl." (We are still not talking about you, freak!)

Paul calls fucking Beth "making love," and though I'm not sure how I feel about that, it's nice to see him happy and naked. Beth decides to start talking about the time he bludgeoned Martha Huber to death with a blender, because that's the kind of afterglow they like to do. Paul doesn't say it's a fake story, but he doesn't exactly disavow it either. For some reason Beth brings up Felicia and her feelings on the subject, and Paul makes an excellent point about Martha's sister Felicia: "Her opinion doesn't matter. Everybody knows Felicia Tillman is crazy. Martha said to my wife that she couldn't trust a thing that her sister said due to her severe mental problems. The woman cut off her own fingers to frame me for murder. Who does that?" You can see Beth's eyes whirling around in her head as she finally considers how her mom might be even crazier than her husband.

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Desperate Housewives

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