Desperate Housewives

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Almost Everybody's All-American

Not actually the worst sex thing that happens in this episode. Next is Bree, who has been fucking Keith while thinking about what to serve at Thanksgiving, actually giving a thrilled little moan when she decided to put pancetta in the chestnut stuffing. Which is unlikely, but Bree is generally unlikely. Even worse, this is how she starts the conversation, immediately post-coital: "Oh, that reminds me. I invited your parents to Thanksgiving dinner." Gross? TMI? How about this little peek into the boudoir: "What about the last ten minutes reminded you of my parents?"

So how the hell was it that Bree was exhausted to the point of desperation by sleeping with Keith, when apparently that involves ten-minute bouts with a 34-year-old man? Is he like Benjamin Button? Or one of those kids that ages faster than the other kids, because they are imperfect clones? Ten whole minutes with Brian Austin Green, well I do declare that is simply giving me the vapors. I better tell him what I'm serving his parents for Thanksgiving, so that he'll know I'm being satisfied sexually by those... Ten minutes in heaven. Anyway, Keith was apparently going to pop the question over Thanksgiving dinner but now he has to wait, which is serious because you never know how long she's got. Because she's so old, you see.

Gaby talks a big game about how hard it was getting Mexican Thanksgiving ready for the Mexicans, and Carlos -- who is a worthless piece in this episode, just total asshole furniture -- whines that she "did her hair for two hours" and told him "where the can opener was." And who set the table? Juanita, although under Gaby's supervision.

Eventually the Mexicans are like, "You guys are being really inappropriate hashing this out in front of us, like, you're verging on looking like you might have some abuse issues going on? So let's change the subject." What does Gaby want to talk about? Grace Grace Grace. What is she wearing, what is she thinking, what does she smell like, what does she taste like, what luggage will she fit in. Grace acts unctuous as usual and goes upstairs to annoy Juanita, while downstairs the Solises continue with the Bickersons act.

Why do people do this? Why on earth would you think that whining about your spouse to me, in front of your spouse, is going to make you look better and not worse? I mean, the victim thing maybe seems attractive to you -- although to the rest of us you still just appear fucked up and whiny -- but you're not even a victim in this scenario: You're both just assholes, acting like assholes, trying to get us to pick which asshole. It's so mystifying.

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Desperate Housewives

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