Previously on Desperate Housewives (MAVO): "Susan's mother made quite an impression, Bree made a secret commitment, Gabrielle made a discovery, Tom made a mistake, and Susan made an appointment...with trouble."
MAVO: "When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly naive. Which is how she came to be married four times." Through flashback, we get a tour of the Many Husbands Of Sophie Bremmer: (a) the gambler; (b) the drinker, (c) the man-lover, and (d) (see (b)). "Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken. So she decided she would never...get...married...again. Then one night, she had a visitor." Why, it's a drunk Bob "Morty" Newhart. Yelling "Sophie, Sophie" from the front yard. Susan hustles him inside the house as he mutters and stutters that he has to talk to Sophie. Susan reminds him that it's 1 in the morning and Sophie's sleeping (not at all true -- Sophie's standing just outside the living-room door, listening in on every word). But Morty wants to ask Sophie to marry him. "The [Pancake!] restaurant is starting to make money, I just bought a new jet ski, my cholesterol is down...but none of it's any fun without her." Oh, Morty, Susan doesn't think it's going to work Sophie's moved on. But "Not So Fast" Sophie bursts in. Sophie: "Your doctor told you not to drink!" Morty: "Well, there are times when you need liquid courage." And with that, he hands her his dead wife's engagement ring. Susan: "You gave her your dead wife's ring?" Morty: "It's a three-carat diamond! She shouldn't care if it's used." So, Morty wonders, what does Sophie think? About the proposal? Much to Susan's, and Morty's, surprise, Sophie says, "All right." But she makes him get down on his knee and do the proposal right. MAVO: "Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic." And another thing? Tomorrow Sophie and Morty are going to exchange the used ring for something much bigger. MAVO, smugly: "But she was no longer naive." Credits!
Things get started with an awesome wedding photo montage of all the desperate couples: CreePaul and Mary Angela (wow, Mary Angela sure did love the '80s), Bree and Rex (both lit very mysteriously, as though their faces are being illuminated by the heavenly glow of a just-off-camera baby Jesus), Lynette and Tom (Lynette looking like a very pretty cross-dresser), Gabrielle and Carlos (Gabby looking very matronly indeed). MAVO: "Marriage is a simple concept: basically, it's a contract between two people, that binds them together for life, in hopes that they can live happily ever after. Sadly, some contracts [and here the MAVO ramps up to a supremely smirky pitch] are made to be broken." We pull back from Carlos and Gabby's wedding photo to reveal an aggressively traditional painting of, I think, a bunch of biblical people clumped together in a group hug. The painting is surrounded by the most gaudy, ridiculous, eight-million-pound frame ever made. Seriously, the thing belongs in a mid-quality museum somewhere. But instead, it's hanging on the wall at Casa Tampers and Pampers, where plates are currently being heaved through the air. Carlos swears he did not mess with Gabby's pills! Gabby shows him how very much her pills have been messed with by peeling back the tinfoil to reveal some suspiciously shoddy gluemanship. Well, perhaps it's a manufacturing problem, Carlos suggests, or maybe even his mother? "It's possible: You buy that stuff in bulk, six months at a time, right? Before the accident, I told her how much I wanted a child, and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought she'd talk to you! Baby, I am SO sorry." After a long moment of uncertainty, Gabby comes back with "That bitch!" Carlos rubs Gabby's back, confessing that although he did very much love his mother, he has to admit that she could be very controlling. Gabby: "Reaching out from beyond the grave to screw with me. God, she's good." Gabby gets up to leave, and Carlos asks where she's going. Gabby: "I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits." (Crypt, Gabby. Remember? Mama Solis doesn't have a grave, she has a crypt.) As Gabby stomps out the door, Carlos gives a huge sigh of relief and throws himself back onto the couch with a self-satisfied "getting away with it" smile. Gross!