Desperate Housewives
Suspicious Minds

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Suspicious Minds

So, we open with this long MAVO-narrated voice-over detailing Gabrielle's "great ideas" of the past. Said "great ideas" include: moving to New York after her stepfather molested her/tried to molest her/insisted on reading her boring bedtime stories (the flashback is deliberately vague); seducing a famous photographer in order to jumpstart her career as a runway model, which doesn't even make sense since photographers have no say over what happens on the runway; marrying Carlos; and, finally, deciding to fuck her underage gardener. MAVO explains that Gabrielle was in need of "another great idea." And said idea comes to her after she has a long and rather boring chat with Mama Solis's nurse about how the nurse's work gives her great personal satisfaction, even though the hospital is underfunded. Then the nurse races off to take care of a "code blue," and Gabrielle actually follows her and watches, transfixed, as the nurse says things like, "You're not going to die on me!" and "Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" For about half a second, I thought that maybe Gabrielle was going to decide to be a nurse because it's ever so exciting and glamorous, but she actually just decides to organize a fashion show to benefit the hospital.

Cut to Casa Unfaithful, where a bunch of people we don't know and will never see again are trying on formal gowns, in preparation for this fashion show/plot contrivance. A roundish middle-aged woman scurries over to Gabrielle and hisses that she can't wear any of the dresses: "They make me look so fat." Gabrielle nobly rattles off her rendition of the "Breathe, dammit! Breathe!" speech, which is: "Listen, Betty! You're not quitting on me now! We're going to find you a gown: it's going to be black and slimming and you're going to look great! I need you to be brave now!" I gave that speech to a stranger once, in Loehmann's. Anyway, Betty grins like she's been hypnotized and agrees. Gabrielle looks proud of herself and skips off.

After the credits, we learn that women are bitches when it comes to their outfits. Especially Edie, who tries to switch the name tags on the outfits so that she can wear the gown assigned to Susan...who catches her in the act. Cue fake smiles all around. "Give me the dress," Susan says. Edie sighs. "I gave it a shot," Edie says, and hands it over. What? No snide comment from Susan about how she recently -- and stupidly -- nailed Mike instead of asking him why he's got a weapons cache in his kitchen? That's not very realistic. If women are bitches about their outfits -- and I don’t know that that's exactly true, although I am certainly a bitch about other people's outfits -- then they're definitely bitchy about boys. These particular women are, at any rate. Anyway, Susan waves the dress in Edie's face like a toreador's cape (a very nice piece of blocking), as Edie looks peeved, Botoxed.

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Desperate Housewives

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