Desperate Housewives
Suspicious Minds

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Jessica: B | Grade It Now!
Suspicious Minds

During the ads, there is a commercial for the Dynasty movie, which I plan to recap when it airs in January. There is actually a factual error in the ad, as it places Heather Locklear at the infamous Moldavian Massacre, when her character, Sammy Jo, was not in fact at the wedding, but was instead in New York, transforming an actress into the spitting image of Krystle Carrington so that Heather and George Hamilton could then kidnap the actual Krystle and put the Faux Krystle in her place so that Sammy Jo could get her inheritance, of which the real Krystle was the stingy executrix. Poor Krystle. Seriously, she had things rough, what with the miscarriage she had after Alexis fired a shotgun next to her horse's head and she got dragged through a field like fifty feet; and then her step-grandchild got kidnapped; and then Blake raped her even though he ended up feeling really bad about that; and then Steven's face got blown off and he came back from being on an oil rig or something looking way hotter than he did before; and then the whole getting locked in the attic, and of course all the shenanigans with Alexis. Dynasty is pretty much the best soap ever made, with the possible exception of Melrose Place, and I swear to God, if there is any justice in the world, Aaron Spelling is currently working on a show starring Heather Locklear, Shannen Doherty, Joan Collins, and Marcia Cross, and then I will die happy.

Casa Narc. Rex is really mad at Andrew about the weed, although the little asshole claims he was set up. "The coach got an anonymous phone call!" he yelps. Rex doesn't care, seeing as "the pot was there." Andrew actually trots out the old "I was holding it for a friend" line, and Rex can't decide which is worse: that Andrew had pot, or that he used such a crappy line. And I rarely agree with Rex, but I'm with him here. I hate being lied to, but I feel like, if you're going to lie to me, at least go to the trouble of concocting a believable lie. Anyway, Andrew starts storming off to his room, but takes a moment to shoot KimberBree, who is busy setting the table, a long, irritated look. She gives it right back to him. I don't think my mother set the table once after my sister and I were born. Start doling out the chores to your hateful family, KimberBree.

Casa Unfaithful. Carlos is working on his laptop, and Gabrielle is pretending to read, but is basically sitting there looking very guilty. She opens her mouth, presumably to come clean, but can't go through with it. She's on her way to bed when several police cars come pulling up to the house, and the Feds start pouring out. "She turned me in," Gabrielle breathes, and then runs to Carlos's side. She begs him to forgive her. "I am so sorry," she says. "I just know that whatever happens, I love you very very much." The FBI bangs on the door. Gabrielle begins to cry as Carlos goes to the door and lets them in. They, of course, arrest Carlos. He calls to Gabrielle to get hold of their lawyer. "What's happening?" she asks, as they drag him out. She follows, crying. He calls to her that it's just a mistake. "It's Tanaka, he set me up," he tells her, as the Feds put him in the car and speed off. Gabrielle looks bereft.

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Desperate Housewives




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