Desperate Housewives
Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

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Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

COMMERCIALS: How is it that What About Brian is still on the air? Is it simply because everyone is holding out until they explain why there's no question mark after "Brian"?

Susan stumbles downstairs wearing her shortie robe and some flower-covered briefs that she must have stolen off some eight-year-old. Ian is downstairs. He brought Susan home last night and slept on the couch. And now he's brewed fresh coffee. Ian is a saint. Susan doesn't remember a thing from last night, which is pretty impressive: a forty-something mom drinking to the point of a barfing blackout. I'm sure Julie's very proud. You know, wherever she is. To help jog Susan's memory, Ian plays a game of Susan or Booze: when Susan told Ian, while in her dark, vomit-soaked blackout, that she "missed" him, was that Susan or the drink? Answer: Susan. When Susan said "it was a mistake" dumping Ian, and she wants to start dating him again. Susan or the tequila? Answer: Susan. (Let it be noted that Susan is sitting on a chair with her knees pulled up under her chin and she's baby-talking coquettishly like she's maybe six and is in general pretty revolting in this scene.) Ian: "Then you said that you wanted to dress me up like a schoolboy and spank my naughty schoolboy bottom: Susan or the booze?" Susan scolds him; she "never said that!" Ah, but if she had said such a thing, what would it have been, Susan or the Booze? Susan: "A little of both, so...Boosan." They laugh over her clever portmanteau. Then Ian kisses her, right on her vomit and coffee-drenched mouth. And again I say: if Mike had been in any way shape or form interested in Susan, this resurgence with Ian would totally not be happening, so I'm just not getting the "awww" factor here.

The phone rings at Ghostbuster Ridley's desk. A man (okay ORSON) tells GR that the name of the "Jane Doe in the morgue" is "Monique Beaulier," and that she was having an affair with "Harvey Bigsby." The Ghostbuster tries to get the anonymous tipster to come on down and give a "statement," but Orson -- who has a hankie over the mouthpiece of a payphone -- hangs up. So he just threw his friend Gary/Harvey under the bus?

Ugh, back to Carlos and Gabby. I'm actually totally fine if we just skip this. But okay, fine: Gabby insists that Carlos come in and help her zip up her dress. Carlos: "Man, this is really stuck; it looks like somebody put superglue on it or something." Gabby: "Huh." Three seconds later, she's taken off the dress and stands there in her bra and scanties, asking him to help her...put on her stockings. Because she has "raggedly nails" and doesn't want a run. Whatever. So they do the sex, obviously.

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Desperate Housewives




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