Desperate Housewives
Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

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Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

Edie is physical-therapizing Mike's arm when he asks her, in his deadwood post-coma "damaged child" Spock voice, what he and Edie were like back before the accident. To her credit, Edie is totally honest with him: she tells him that he "barely knew that [she] existed," even though the two of them lived just "fifty feet" apart. Mike is surprised, and really seeing how GOOD SHE LOOKS IN THAT SUIT, it's difficult to imagine anyone being capable of ignoring her. Mike wonders why Edie keeps coming down to the hospital if they weren't close? The "Hooker With Heart" piano tinkles, and Edie very sincerely tells him, "Because, from the first minute I laid eyes on you, I sort of fell in love with you." Do we believe her? I kind of think we do. By way of response, Mike the Wooden Soldier sort of swallows and cocks an eyebrow a millimeter or two. Edie crosses her arms defensively and tells Mike that by confessing her love for him, she doesn't "expect anything." Except that, once he gets out of the hospital, maybe he could acknowledge her once in a while -- you know, while she's out washing her car in nothing but pasties. You know, just "look at [her], that's all." Mike, like a zombie: "I'm looking at you now." And it's true. He totally is looking at her. Still looking. Looking. Looking. And...they kiss. Edie seems to really, really enjoy it. Edie thinks kissing the undead is arousing.

Later, or wait...earlier? In any case, we're back at church, and Edie's wearing the same world-rocking suit. Maybe she never left the church, and the Mike scene was a flashback she experienced while confessing about the events that transpired? Or maybe she went to church, left to french Mike, then went back for more confessing? She gushes to the Father that she and Mike sucked face, and then reports with a huge, beaming, happy smile that "it was great!" Edie leaves the confessional and struts a happy, hip-heavy sashay up the aisle. Cynical MAVO notes that "some confessions are just bragging in disguise." I don't think I've ever seen Edie this thrilled before. Usually she looks like she's sucking on a lemon, though that might be just that most of the time we see her, she's interacting with Susan.

Next, MAVO tells us that Bree doesn't like unexpected visitors. Through another patented Desperate Housewives quick-cut montage, the Van De Hodge door opens on, first, a Mary Kay-style cosmetics saleslady, then two Mormons in full double-strap backpack regalia, then a huge group of distant relatives, all preppies. Today, the unpleasant visitor is Jackie from Roseanne. Bree tries to shut the door in Jackie's face, citing the pending matter of "baking," but before Bree can make her escape, Jackie's husband, Harvey, pops out weirdly from behind Jackie. Harvey is played by Brian Kerwin, who also played Jackie's love interest Gary Hall on Roseanne. I never actually realized it before, but I'm pretty sure Desperate Housewives is a bizarro spin-off from Roseanne, à la Mork and Mindy from Happy Days. So the plot device here is that Gary and Orson used to be friends, and now Gary misses Orson, which is why he's forcing Jackie to kiss and make up with Bree so that they can all start eating together at the club. He explains that Jackie hasn't been feeling like herself lately, due to the "Mexican painkillers that she was buying online." Jackie delivers a fantastically stilted apology, with that "I've mistakenly swallowed an insect" face that Laurie Metcalf is so very good at. With a gracious and bright smile, Bree accepts Jackie's apology. Jackie and Gary leave, and Orson hugs and praises Bree for being so kind and open-hearted. Oh, on the contrary: Bree clucks Orson on the chin and hisses, "If you think I'm breaking bread with that malicious, pill-popping shrew, you're out of your mind."

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Desperate Housewives

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