Desperate Housewives
Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

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Evany: B+ | Grade It Now!
Sweetheart, I Have To Confess

Margaritaville. Lynette, Gabby, and Susan are well beyond "buzzed" and swiftly rounding the corner to "shit-faced, assholed, absolutely legless" territories. An elderly couple walks by just as Gabby slurs, "Tequila makes me happy." The couple stares, and Gabby trash-talks them. Lynette has enough sober in her to cringe just a bit: she actually knows this couple; they live over on Cypress, and they just celebrated their fifty-third wedding anniversary. Slurry Susan: "Showoffs." Slurry Gabby: "Don't worry, it won't last." Susan muses drunkenly on what the Cypress couple's "secret" might be, and Lynette suggests that it's that "the man never opened a pizza place." Suddenly, the math dawns on Susan: she's never going to celebrate a fifty-third wedding anniversary -- not unless she makes it into her "nineties." I think I've had this actual conversation with actual girlfriends over actual margaritas. There's just something about tequila that can put a girl into a melancholy math sort of mood. After a few cricket chirps, Susan hilariously says, "Oh my god. I'm going to die." (Note to Teri Hatcher: the scene, I believe, calls for "inebriation," not "dental emergency Novocaine face.") Lynette hands Susan a lime and tells her to "bite on this."

While Susan's mouth is gagged full of lime, Gabby takes her turn: she has something to confess. Susan: "Oh god, here she goes again. What grade is he in this time?" But no. The big secret is...Gabby still loves Carlos. Like that's a secret. Poor drunk, self-deluded Gabby. Lynette: "Yeah, he's hot." Nice callback to that wet revenge kiss Lynette planted on Carlos back in Season 2. Susan and Gabby give Lynette twin muddled frowns. Then Susan baby-voices that Gabby should try to "patch things up" with Carlos. Gabby thinks about it for a second, then: "Nah, I already paid a lawyer. I'm taking him down."

Then it's Lynette's turn. She blames herself for this blowup with Tom. "I want him to have what he wants," she realizes, "if it's what I want." Man, so satisfying to finally see this self-aware side of Lynette, even if it's only because she's seventy-eight sheets to the wind. Lynette: "I'm a bitch, with a capital 'C'." (Citch, what's a citch?) (Please don't email me. I know actually what it is. Hint: it rhymes with "bunt.") Gabby throws a lime at Lynette and clucks that she's a "great wife, and a great mother." Gabby takes a few beats, gives a puzzled look around, and asks, "Although...don't you have children?" Such a good scene, right? The writers need to get these girls sauced more often.

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Desperate Housewives




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