Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
Good Stuff, Maynard

Okay, I'm just going to come out and tell you that I'm getting started late on this, my third season finale this week, because my best friend got married tonight. So I stand before you tired, overdressed, throatsore from singing karaoke, and possibly legally shitfaced. But my friend and I are happy, so I'm ready to wrap this season up if it takes me until dawn.

Mary Alice talks about how Lynette may not actually be the world's greatest mom despite what it says on her coffee mug. She's making breakfast for her teeming brood, which includes waffles -- Kayla's favorite. When she goes to answer the doorbell, a couple of women from CPS are there, and you'd think that Lynette of all people would be familiar with the initials of Child Protective Services by now, but they actually have to tell them who they are. They've heard from Dr. Dolan the family shrink about Kayla's complaint that Lynette's been hitting her, and what's more, they've seen the department store security tape of Lynette actually smacking Kayla. Instead of asking for a copy of that tape so she can watch it over and over again at her leisure, Lynette tells the women to have a seat and she'll be with them in a minute. When she returns to the kitchen to pull a waffle off the iron, Kayla appears with her patented evil smirk. So Lynette tosses Kayla's waffle into the sink. Well, now they're even.

After the credits -- truncated even tonight, with two hours ahead of us, which does not bode well for me -- Mary Alice tells us about the significance of names. Lynette means "pretty one," Katherine means "purity," Gabrielle is Hebrew for "God is my strength," and Bree means "power." Mary Alice doesn't say so, but "Mary Alice" is ancient Latin for "smug singsong narrator." So now we catch up with Mike and Susan, trying to decide on a name for their new son and not having much luck. Inspiration strikes when a Dr. Conner is paged. Meet little Doctor Conner Delfino, everyone.

At the Solis house, Ellie is off to the mall. She invites Gabby along, but Gabby says she has to ride herd on the "handyman," a heavyset doof who's standing right there. As soon as Ellie's gone, however, the "handyman" turns out to be a surveillance guy from the police. They break into Ellie's room to plant some bugs, but when they hear Ellie returning, Gabby jumps on the guy and tackles him onto the bed. Which, considering she's about a tenth his weight, is quite a feat. Unless he's helping, for which I couldn't entirely blame him. But when Ellie walks back in, she's only horrified that Gabby is having an affair with her handyman in her room and not shocked at being under surveillance by the cops. Well, whew, that was a close one.

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Desperate Housewives




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