Desperate Housewives
The Ladies Who Lunch

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Keckler: A | Grade It Now!
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If It's Brown, Flush It Down

In previouslies, Mary Alice's calm, complacent, and not-at-all-suicidal VO reminds us that people sometimes keep secrets. As a little old lady steals a paper from KimberBree's lawn, MAVO simpers that scandals of various degrees can be heard in neighborhoods. MAVO says that the paper-stealing is the kind of scandal that announces itself with a shout. Cue KimberBree's shouting. "Some with a whisper," MAVO continues, as GayMatt signs off on a cable work order. "Throw me a twenty and I'll hook you up with free porn," the Cable Guy hisses. GayMatt looks furtively over his shoulder and wonders. Yeah, right, like GayMatt is ever home long enough to take full advantage of Buff Boyz. "And some. With a bang," MAVO says, as kids TP a house and an old coot -- who looks strangely out of place on Wisteria Lane with his Raggedy Andy plaid bathrobe -- comes running onto his porch and fires a shotgun in the air. Huh. You know, I'd sort of expected KimberBree to be the one chasing Oldy McPaperStealer off her property with a butt full of buckshot.

In her den of siniquity, Maisy Gibbons follows her new john past a framed "World's Greatest Mom" scrawl as MAVO brings it all home: "And once in a great while, there comes along a scandal so deliciously sordid that its roar drowns out all other noise." The john hands over his money and wonders how much Maisy's husband knows of her freelance job. Maisy drops double entendres and asks how the john wants to get started. "With these," the john says, holding up a pair of handcuffs. Maisy purrs that that kind of horseplay will cost him extra. The john flashes a badge and tells her she's under arrest for solicitation. It takes awhile before Maisy fully realizes what's going on. So long, in fact, that when Sgt. John drags her outside, she's kicking and screaming across her lawn in her black lace-edged fuchsia slip and gartered black stockings. At one point, Maisy and her unfettered dinners try to make a run for it, squealing all the while, and face-plants into her own lawn. It's quite embarrassing. Do you think maybe she just should have gone along with the arrest, and maybe then they would have let her put some normal clothes on? I think so. More squeals and protests bring gawking neighbors and that snoopy mailman. The cops haul Maisy bodily across the lawn -- one cop holding her kicking, but shapely, legs -- in a way that reminds me of what it took to put my little sister to bed when she was about three. Once we got her upstairs like that, she tried to kick us in the face with her little white boots. And when I say "us," I mean "me." And when I say "tried," I mean "actually did." She also threw tubes of toothpaste at my head. She was a devil child and I only got paid a dollar an hour to watch her. I should've sold her. One pigtailed neighbor takes note of Maisy's black underwear and flips open her cell phone to activate the gossip tree.

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Desperate Housewives

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