Desperate Housewives
The Ladies Who Lunch

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If It's Brown, Flush It Down

I really love the credits.

"It is often said that good news travels fast, but as every housewife knows, bad news travels faster," MAVO enlightens us. Yes, thank you, MAVO, I don't think it's just housewives who know that. Maisy is finally carted off in a squad car, and her crestfallen face takes in the pigtailed neighbor already yapping away on her phone. As Pigtails relates the story to her friend, that friend tells another friend, and she tells her friend, and so on and so on and so on, until the screen is completely divided up into a bunch of gossiping boxes.

We transition scenes to a school crossing guard on her phone saying she would have killed to see Maisy in handcuffs. What cracks me up is that the crossing guard is just casually walking in front of Lynette's car with her crossing-guard stop sign resting on her shoulder. Totally leaving that kid that isn't Pustule or Pinworm and then quite possibly the baby in the carseat behind, Lynette gets out of her car and runs to see what all the fuss is about. In front of Our Lady of Perpetual Wealth, the principal is telling flapping mothers to calm down, and that they are just taking precautions. Lynette gets the poop from some mothers that there's been an outbreak of head lice in the school, just as the principal hands out flyers explaining what to do in case of a licerrist attack in their home. The flyers also detail the "delousing" procedure, which the mothers "eeeewww" at. Oh, please, you can't be a real mother if you find the term "delousing" gross. Stanky diapers with nuggety remnants of the kid's previous meal are far grosser than "delousing." Get a grip. The principal refuses to reveal which crested and blazered kid is responsible for the outbreak, just as Pustule and Pinworm scamper into view. As the other mothers continue to insist on being given a licegoat, Lynette sees Pustule scratch his head and her eyes widen. T minus ten to Lynette's freakout.

This is where I have to say that just because Lynette's kid scratched his head doesn't mean he started it. I mean, in an outbreak -- and I've been through a few in my time -- it's highly likely that most kids will get infested. That doesn't mean they started it. The fact that Lynette automatically suspects her kids are the licely suspects just shows that she thinks of her kids exactly the same way the other mothers think of her kids, and how can she condemn the other mothers for thinking that when she HERSELF THINKS IT?! By the way, my head is really starting to itch as I watch this. The other mothers also check out Itchy and Scratchy and exchange knowing looks. See above rant. God, these women are ridiculous. Back in the day, my mother found the whole lice thing fascinating. She would bend our heads under a bright light and "examine us." With one of those really fine-toothed lice combs, she'd pick through our scalps, hair strand by hair strand and totally ignore our painful, neck-cricked sighs. And I had hair down to my butt so I sighed a lot. When she found an egg, she'd stick it on a slide and look at it under one of her microscopes and then draw it. I think she even has pencil sketches tucked away somewhere with our names and dates attached to them. My mom is weird. All this time, the principal has been droning on that they can't name the kid responsible because that kid would be ostracized and ridiculed and left in a corner to scratch on his own. Lynette distractedly agrees as she gathers up Itchy and Scratchy, hisses at them to stop scratching, and drags them off.

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Desperate Housewives

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