Desperate Housewives
The Ladies Who Lunch

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If It's Brown, Flush It Down

Bushwood Country Club. KimberBree -- with her titian hair trussed in two pigtails and a white cashmere sweater tied over a pale blue pique shirt with a white collar -- solicitously inquires after Rex's golf game with his doctor. Rex didn't enjoy it, because he's feeling sluggish from all the poison Curious George is giving him. The doc said that Rex's post-op medicine should be working, so now he's gotta go in for a checkup to see what's going on. I hope they think to do a toxicology thingy on him as well. Unless Curious George is just giving him placebos because that way, Rex might just die of another heart attack because he wasn't taking his medicine and not because he was actually being given poison. That would be sort of smart. KimberBree notes one of the club gadflies flitting from table to table, rubbing her legs and dispensing her pollinated gossip. Rex says he could do with a laugh, so KimberBree excitedly calls Tish the gadfly over for some of that sweet, sweet honey. Tish spills the beans about Maisy and adds new info: "Word is, she had a little black book with all her clients' names!" Tish giggles. Rex and KimberBree look freaked as Tish buzzes off to another ear. "Well, Rex," KimberBree says tightly, taking a sip of her Chardonnay, "You got your funny story -- why aren't you laughing?" Rex breathes painfully and eyes his wife.

Lynette and GayMatt delouse Itchy and Scratchy with lice combs. The phone rings and GayMatt flicks something in a glass of water on the table and rushes off to answer it, eager to shirk his fatherly duty once again. Itchy wants to see one of the "bugs," so Lynette yanks one out of Scratchy's head and shows it to both kids before sticking it in the glass of water. Huh. I don't think my mother ever used a glass of water when she deloused us. She was probably worried one of us would drink it. GayMatt hangs up the phone and announces that Tammy called to cancel Topher's birthday bash because Topher has the measles. Scratchy whines over the news as Lynette "'cha, right"s and goes into a diatribe about how Topher isn't sick at all, it's just that their lice-infested kids are considered too dirty to be allowed at the party. It astounds me that Lynette has these conversations right in front of her kids. I mean, letting your kids know that they're being shunned by the neighborhood isn't exactly a morale builder at their age. Granted, Itchy and Scratchy probably don't get it or, if they do, don't care, but it still strikes me as pretty irresponsible of Lynette to slag off on another mother AND talk about her Untouchables being so untouchable. GayMatt wonders why his wife is such conspiracy theorist about every little thing. Because GayMatt, the ENTIRE world is against your beleaguered wife, didn't you know that? It was in your marriage vows. Lynette rants on, "If rumors fly, these boys can kiss campouts and pool parties goodbye." Again, I don't get what the big thing is about the lice. When the outbreaks occurred at my grade school, it was as minor as the flu bug going around. I mean, I didn't go to St. Snootnatius or anything, and maybe the inner city looks at these sorts of things differently, but I think I'm better for it since I will never freak out if my kid brings home lice. There are far worse things they can bring home. Like scabies. Or guns. Itchy suddenly catches wind of the lack of forthcoming pool parties and campouts and gasps, "Uh-oh!" "Yeah, not so cool now, huh?" Lynette snaps before drowning another louse. Shut up, Lynette.

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Desperate Housewives

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