So Susan's been having these sex dreams about Paul. They're pretty graphic, which means a lot of sexy naked Paul and a similar amount of cooing, groaning naked Susan. So there's that. Mike's getting kidney-related blue balls waiting for Susan to remove the 2x4s nailed crosswise over her genitals, so he doesn't really pay attention to Susan's growing obsession with rescuing Paul from his depression while also trying to process the sex feelings she's having for him.
The evening of their Big Doing It, Mike discovers Susan cooking for poor old Paul, and throws a five-second shit fit before his boner finally gets him the urgent message to shut up. For once, this stupid show actually high-fives compassion, and Susan actually ends up being the Hufflepuff superhero she always tries and fails to be. It's pretty awesome.
But just when everything is going okay for old Paul, Felicia's getting all up in Karen McCluskey's head about how they have to take revenge on Beth's behalf, including some lies and half-truths and an even more decisive fact: McCluskey was there the night Felicia cut off her own fingers to frame Paul for her murder, and decided to stay quiet while her friend's sister faked her own death. Since Paul actually did kill Martha, I don't see a problem here, but since Paul's "depression" seems clearly more like Felicia poisoning him, it's about to get real weird -- seeing Karen involved in a central mystery is more than a little unsettling, after all this time, but especially in relation to the Paul stuff.
Although Bree -- as the number-one collaborator with this show's gender bullshit -- initially agrees with Carlos's fatwa on interacting with Gabi, Gabrielle spends about half the episode literally seducing her into being secret besties. It's one of the weirder things that's ever happened on this show, like, the women explicitly compare their secret relationship to adultery, and Carlos is the spurned wife, and he eventually figures out that they're running away together -- after this long, hilarious-only-because-of-Longoria thing involving a cake and a bluetooth headset -- for a weekend getaway, and tosses her out of the house.
The only difference between Gabi's cheating with Bree and a husband cheating on his wife? When she comes to stay on your couch, she brings the kids. Which means next week, Bree is going to have three Solis mess-makers on her hands, so here's hoping that doesn't get incredibly offensive super-fast. Still, it's a neat little story between the women, and I like how Gabi still isn't really being punished for not following orders.
The only epically failed storyline this week -- shocker -- is the Scavos, who attend a business conference together in which Lynette is treated like a cocker spaniel while Tom gets to attend keynote speeches. That kind of shit is fine with The Other Gay One, who loves wifely things like flower arranging, but will not fly with Lynette. Since it's this show, however, her common-sense response to being treated like a brain-damaged child makes her look... Not unlike a brain-damaged child.
Fast-forward past the Attempted Feminist Uprising, the Mutual Undercutting By Bitches Of One Another, the Sexual Perversity Of Homosexuals (Even Those In Disguise As Regular Americans), the Usual Inability Of Women To Behave Properly In Social Circumstances, and Renee Reiterates How All Women Are Whores, and eventually you just have the Scavos on the rocks. God, if only. Seven years is way too long to wait for the inevitable murder-suicide toward which the Scavos have always been vrooming.
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Mary Alice: "After Susan Delfino's kidney transplant, her doctor ordered her to abstain from sex for six weeks. But what the doctor couldn't prevent Susan from doing was dreaming about it..."
Fast-forward past a skellington getting it all the different ways... Wait, is that Paul Young? Hold up. I'm not going to talk about it, but I'm sure gonna watch it. Paul Young should constantly have sex on this show.
Mike: "I was watching you have a bony orgasm with Dream Paul and it reminded me how we can't do it for another 02:17:35:00."
Susan: "I love how you're so lifelike."
Mike: "I love how you're going to let me put it in the butt."
Susan: "Get real! In the Republican universe of this show there's zero other stuff we can do besides the old Shivering Corpse, which is why we had to wait six whole weeks."
Mike: "I can't wait to get out the old sheet-with-a-hole and really go to town."
Mary Alice: "The residents of Wisteria Lane are nothing if not loyal..."
(They are both. They are not loyal, and they are essentially nothing people.)
Mary Alice: "They love their country, they root for the home team, they support their favorite brand."
(Right, right. Clear eyes, full hearts, Walmart. American values all the way.)
Mary Alice: "But the fiercest loyalty on Wisteria Lane is the one between friends."
Which is our intro to Gabi and Carlos having their bullshit fight about how Bree killed his mother so Gabi can no longer hang out with her, and then Gabi just begging for spousal abuse some more, and lots of forbidding getting done, and it's all nasty.
Gabi: "Are we in history where men can boss us?"
Bree: "No, we're on this show. And as the biggest Nurse Ratched collaborator of all time with women treating themselves and each other like shit, I am on Carlos's side."
What happens next is this weird sex thing where you trade out all the normal words for sex words.
Gabi: "What are you saying? No more poker? No more lunches? No more shopping?"
Bree: "I'll miss it as much as you do."
Gabi: "Oh, really? It doesn't sound like it! I think this is easy for you."
Bree: "Easy? I wanna come over there right now so you can drag me to the mall kicking and screaming... But we can't. I have to go, I have scones in the oven."
Gabi: "I love your scones..."
Bree: "Stop. Goodbye, Gabi."
Gabi: "...You're not hanging up."
Bree: "But I have to."