Desperate Housewives

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The Woman That Ordered In Chinese For Christmas
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Mary Alice: "After Susan Delfino's kidney transplant, her doctor ordered her to abstain from sex for six weeks. But what the doctor couldn't prevent Susan from doing was dreaming about it..."

Fast-forward past a skellington getting it all the different ways... Wait, is that Paul Young? Hold up. I'm not going to talk about it, but I'm sure gonna watch it. Paul Young should constantly have sex on this show.

Mike: "I was watching you have a bony orgasm with Dream Paul and it reminded me how we can't do it for another 02:17:35:00."
Susan: "I love how you're so lifelike."
Mike: "I love how you're going to let me put it in the butt."
Susan: "Get real! In the Republican universe of this show there's zero other stuff we can do besides the old Shivering Corpse, which is why we had to wait six whole weeks."
Mike: "I can't wait to get out the old sheet-with-a-hole and really go to town."

Mary Alice: "The residents of Wisteria Lane are nothing if not loyal..."
(They are both. They are not loyal, and they are essentially nothing people.)
Mary Alice: "They love their country, they root for the home team, they support their favorite brand."
(Right, right. Clear eyes, full hearts, Walmart. American values all the way.)
Mary Alice: "But the fiercest loyalty on Wisteria Lane is the one between friends."

Which is our intro to Gabi and Carlos having their bullshit fight about how Bree killed his mother so Gabi can no longer hang out with her, and then Gabi just begging for spousal abuse some more, and lots of forbidding getting done, and it's all nasty.

Gabi: "Are we in history where men can boss us?"
Bree: "No, we're on this show. And as the biggest Nurse Ratched collaborator of all time with women treating themselves and each other like shit, I am on Carlos's side."

What happens next is this weird sex thing where you trade out all the normal words for sex words.

Gabi: "What are you saying? No more poker? No more lunches? No more shopping?"
Bree: "I'll miss it as much as you do."
Gabi: "Oh, really? It doesn't sound like it! I think this is easy for you."
Bree: "Easy? I wanna come over there right now so you can drag me to the mall kicking and screaming... But we can't. I have to go, I have scones in the oven."
Gabi: "I love your scones..."
Bree: "Stop. Goodbye, Gabi."
Gabi: "...You're not hanging up."
Bree: "But I have to."

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Desperate Housewives

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