And now a brief pause for the post-dramatic stair fall commercials.
When we return from commercial, Gloria is forging full steam ahead with her fake suicide plan, which seems maybe less than smart in light of Andrew's inopportune arrival. Gloria would have to be crazy to think that people are going to believe Bree got up on her broken foot, went downstairs to get a knife, climbed back upstairs to clock her son with a cane, took a bath with her robe on, and then sliced her wrists. And yet? As has been abundantly proven throughout the season, Gloria is indeed just that crazy -- perhaps even crazier. She grabs the knife and wraps Bree's hand around it to make sure her prints are all over it.
A cab pulls up out front: it's Cat Scratch Orson, home to save the day. He stagger-walks (I guess he's still a little sedated) into the bathroom and finds Bree posed in the exact position his father was when he committed suicide. Suddenly it dawns on him that Gloria killed his father, too. "You've done this before," he whispers to Gloria. She stares at him with her dead eyes, and then turns her attention back to the knife and Bree's arm. Orson races over and they battle savagely (way to go, Dixie!), Meanwhile, Bree's drugged head slips quietly underwater. Orson tosses Gloria to the floor and then lifts Bree out of the bathtub and carries her to the bed. Andrew wakes up from his stair-tumbled swoon, and Orson orders him to get Bree some blankets. Gloria plaintively calls out to Orson from the bathroom. Looking disgusted, Orson returns to discover Gloria paralyzed on the floor. Apparently, she's had some kind of stroke. But Orson so does not call an ambulance for her. Instead, he tells Andrew something about not wanting Gloria to die in their house, and then he carries her over to Alma's, where, to his surprise, he finds Alma lying dead in the garden.
When Bree wakes up, Orson is right beside her. He tells her, in hushed, comforting tones, that he's not sure how it happened, but that Alma is dead. Also Gloria is never going to bother them again. Orson narrates the way the story is going to play out, and while he says it, we watch as everything he predicts comes true: Old Cat Lady discovers Alma and Gloria lying like tired zombies right there in the front yard, and calls the authorities. The police discover Monique's teeth, which Orson planted alongside Alma's suicide note, which Orson recycled from Alma's fake suicide attempt, and conclude that Alma was responsible for the killing (which is sort of posthumously unfair to Alma, but then again, she was a rapist). And then Ghostbuster Ridley drops all charges against Mike. Which doesn't really absolve Orson of the evil of trying to kill Mike, but okay. Orson tells Bree that the two of them are going to take off on that "honeymoon [they] never got around to." Bree smiles, but then she asks what's going to happen to Gloria -- is she "just going to get off scot-free?" Ah, to the contrary...