It's opening day at the Scavoria, but thanks to a huge ordering screw-up on Lynette's part, there's nowhere to sit. Tom is not pleased with Lynette's ad hoc, boho solution, which is to borrow a random hodgepodge of seating from everyone in the neighborhood, and things are icy in Scavoland. But then Tom gives a choked-up speech thanking Lynette, and Lynette melts, aw. Zana convinces Gabby that she slept with him in a drunken haze, and Gabby asks Carlos to play jealous and scare him away. Carlos approaches Zana at the urinals of Scavoria bathroom and happens to notice Zana's penis, which is gigantic -- so gigantic that no amount of boozing could have blocked it from Gabby's memory. Gabby confronts Zana, and he confesses that he staged the whole thing. And then he asks her to marry him. What? Gabby answers with a resounding "no." Ian goes down to the hospital to pick up his (dead coma wife) Jane's things, but somehow the hospital managed to switch Jane's things with (former coma) Mike's possessions, a convenient mix-up that allows Ian to discover the engagement ring Mike had planned to give Susan the night he got run over. Desperate to seal the deal before Mike remembers anything more about his love of Susan, Ian asks Susan to marry him. Susan answers with a resounding "yes." Orson's big cliffhanger fall is broken by some branches, so he's alive, but his near-death experience prompts a flashback that reveals that Gloria killed Monique and then guilted Orson into helping her cover it up. Alma climbs out the window of that attic room Gloria locked her in, and then falls off the roof. Bree is at home, recuperating from her own fall, and irresponsible Danielle is put in charge of watching over her. Sweet-talking Gloria arrives with a gift of tranquilizer-laced soup for Bree, and convinces Danielle to leave Bree in Gloria's charge. Gloria then drags the drugged Bree into the bathtub and is just about to slice Bree's wrists -- making it look like a suicide -- when Andrew comes home just in time! Gloria whacks Andrew over the head with her cane, and it looks like curtains for Bree. Except that then Orson arrives just in time! Orson and Gloria tussle, Gloria has a stroke, and Orson carries her over to Alma's house to die, where he discovers Alma dead in the flowerbeds. He leaves Gloria lying there on the grass, making it look as though the stroke was the result of the shock of discovering Alma. Orson then plants Alma's suicide note -- the one she wrote for her own faked suicide a couple episodes back -- next to the bag of Monique's teeth, which means that Mike is now off the hook. Oh and somewhere in there we also discover that Gloria pulled the same staged bathtub-suicide trick on Orson's philandering father and then made young Orson think that it was all his fault. In short, Gloria is pure evil. She's also still alive, but she's completely paralyzed and unable to talk, so she's silenced and essentially done. Quite the season finale! Oh, wait.
Previously: Orson didn't think suicide is all that funny, Susan and Bree's friendship is on the rocks, and then there was all that falling down that we saw last week (Bree falling off that idiotic ladder and Orson falling off the rooftop parking garage at the hospital).
The show picks up right exactly where it left off: Orson is still slooowwwwwlly falling, falling, falling. Through MAVO-powered insight, we learn that passing in front of his eyes during what are almost surely his last few milliseconds on earth are scenes from the night he arrived at Monique's house, champagne and roses in hand, all ready to celebrate some fantastic news -- Alma leaving him, maybe? Possibly? The muddled Fairview timeline being what it is, it really could be almost anything. Only Monique's in no mood to celebrate, what with her head all bashed in. Crazy Mama Hodge, it seems, has gone and killed Monique in an act of "self-defense." Orson murmurs something about how much he loved Monique (which is kind of surprising seeing as how generally underwhelmed he seems about her death here), and then he makes a half-hearted attempt to call the police. Gloria, with the glaring menace that can only mean "important plot point," reminds Orson that she, too, once lost someone she held dear, all thanks to Orson, and now he owes her big time. Dun dun dun, etc. Orson agrees to help Gloria to get rid of the body.
But then Mike arrives with that spare part for Monique's sink, and this time around, when the yellow-rubber-gloved Orson pops up from behind the counter (the same shot we saw in Mike's hypnotic flashbacks), we see that Monique's dead body is lying right next to him, in a big pool of blood; Orson handily drops a towel over it to stop it oozing into Mike's sightlines. As Mike turns to go, Orson stops him and hands him back his wrench -- i.e. the murder weapon -- and Mike gets a nice good, fingerprint-leaving grip on it.
Down at the golf course, Orson digs Monique's grave, which is admirably deep; now we know how Orson keeps so trim (digging graves is incredibly aerobic). Meanwhile, Gloria is struggling to yank Monique's teeth out with a pair of pliers. She pays Orson a sick compliment about how she now finally appreciates the difficulty of Orson's job, and Orson suddenly gets all enraged over Gloria mangling Monique's mouth. Why Orson, I didn't know you cared! No, seriously, this is the first real indication of any emotional investment in the death of Monique that Orson has displayed in these scenes. Orson and Gloria tussle, and Gloria falls into the grave, breaking her hip. And another key to the Season 3 puzzle slides into place: now we know why Gloria walks around with that gangster cane. The origins of her inexplicable Phyllis Diller wig, however, still remain a mystery.