Next Susan pulls out a photo of young Orson sitting on a bench in front of a building that's very "mental hospital TM." A younger Gloria stands by, looking smug. The whole thing is so obviously Photoshopped, it's like Dune meets Designing Women. (Speaking of Dune: What the hell?)
Orson finishes his tale of woe, swearing that Bree knows everything. Bree tells Orson to gather up his things: he's coming home. And Gloria's getting tossed out on her "evil ass."
Free at last, Susan scuttles home carrying a huge yet surprisingly grease-free bucket of chicken. When Ian said the meal need not be gooer-may, I don't quite think he meant bargain-basement chicken, either. Susan speed-walks into the living room with a breezy "Sorry I'm late." Turns out Ian's parents got waylaid at the airport, so dinner's off. Susan is relieved to hear that her lateness has turned out to not be such a big deal, but not hugely so. "No harm done," she says obliviously. But Ian is hurt: if his parents had been there, she would have been 40 minutes late. Susan, obviously: "But they're not here." Ian, mad: "You didn't know that. And where's dinner?" And I have to say, I'm totally in Ian's corner on this one. Susan could have easily done her snooping the next day, or silently sent Ian a text message from the closet, telling him that she was running late -- you know, displayed some common courtesy. Then again, Ian could have been less of an asshole and not bullied Susan into cooking dinner.
Anyway, Ian extrapolates that Susan's delay was all in aide of Mike, and Susan eagerly shows him Orson's records from the mental hospital, arguing that his one-year stay there clearly indicates that he's dangerous. Um, Susan? One year of "psychological depression" does not a murderer make. I'm no psychological psychiatrist, but I don't think depression is linked to violent behavior -- excluding self-injury, that is. Ian offers to get Mike the best lawyer in town. But! Only if Susan agrees to never, ever see Mike again. He tries to put a good spin on this creepy stipulation by saying that he's just afraid that if Susan and Mike spend any more time together, Mike's bound to fall in love with Susan again. Because what man could resist her? Ew, now I'm totally not in Ian's corner anymore. In fact, I want out of the whole ring: this relationship is beginning to make me feel really slimy. Nonetheless, Susan agrees to the plan, thus sealing their doom -- she's totally going to see Mike again: he lives 100 feet away from her! Plus you just know that Susan's going to have some kind of plumbing emergency. In her kitchen, not her pants. This is just the worst plan ever, and it makes Ian seem not so sexy at all. In fact, some people on the boards have even gone so far as to suggest that Ian's showing the first signs of being abusive (possessiveness, an over-controlling nature, temper). And the "What Do We Care, His Wife Is Going to Wake Up, Anyway" music thrums into life.