Ian arrives at Susan's house with a bunch of flowers for the centerpiece at tonight's big dinner with the folks. Susan is poring over the phonebook, looking for lawyers for Mike. Ah, just what Mike needs, a phonebook lawyer. Susan announces that they'll be having something French, something that sounds an awful like "Bell Biv Devoe." Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you. And when will Bree be done making it?" Susan swings her arms guiltily and confesses that Bree'll be over with the food by 5:30. Ian notices the phonebook; Susan explains how Mike's in the pokey for murder and Edie dumped him, so now she's all he's got. Ian looks jealous, and Susan soothes him that she and Mike are "just friends," and Ian's her man. Cue the "Susan's An Emotional Cripple Who Doesn't Even Know Her Own True Feelings" music!
Hey, Ladies' Poker time! They must be on some kind of biannual schedule because they haven't played all season, and it's been missed. By me. Bree is off in the kitchen, leaving a message for Orson on his voicemail. Clearly this is the latest of a long line of messages. Bree sits down at the table as Gabby and Lynette finish up their filler talk (something about the chips and the cards and who does what and meow, meow, meow). Lynette: "Guys? Why has it been so long since poker? I need this!" Oh my god, did they just hear me say that? Have I somehow managed to open up a wormhole between my Oakland living room and the Wisteria Lanesters? Hello? Ladies? Can you hear me? If so, Gabby, I need you to tell me where you got that top. That silver-weave scoop at the neckline is just too cute! Gabby, can you hear me? ... Weird. Gabby is totally ignoring me now. Susan scootles in, late as always, and demands to know if Bree's gone to the police yet. Bree has no idea what Susan's talking about: now that it's been revealed that Mike's Monique's murderer (ugh, so many "M"s here, it's like that terrible Crash Test Dummies song in here). Susan: "What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?" Gabby and Lynette, sensing the tension creeping into Susan and Bree's demeanors, start trying to make "girl talk." Gabby hilariously blurts, "Anybody have a yeast infection?" Keep it up, Gabs, and I might just forgive you for being such a moral midget in that your other bore-y-line.
Bree and Susan keep arguing. Bree cites Monique's blood being found on the wrench, Susan cites the fact that Monique's teeth were all removed. Also Susan knows, like in her heart, that Mike is no murderer. Bree, in a line that would have been funny if it hadn't been stretched out like an old rubber band by all the previews, says, "We all have convictions. I believe Mike's last one was for manslaughter." Susan challenges Bree to look through Orson's belongings with her, seeing as she's so sure her husband's innocent. Bree icily wonders just what Susan thinks she might find. Susan: "Oh, I don't know, blackmail letters? A necklace made of teeth?" Lynette to Gabby: "We're not going to play cards, are we?" Susan announces that she won't be playing cards with someone who would let Mike take the fall for her guilty dentist husband (that's Bree, for those of you who aren't quite following), and Bree declares that she won't be making dinner for Ian's parents tonight after all. Susan: "Fine, I'll cook it myself." Bree, nastily: "Good! Let me know if there are any survivors." Susan: "And if you take Orson back? You do the same." Oh, snack! Susan storms out, but instead of actually leaving the house, she sneakily slams the door while remaining inside, sneaks around to the kitchen, and...steals the food for Ian's dinner? Nope. She steals the keys to Orson's office off of Bree's collection of spare keys. Sorry, Ian's parents: no home-cooked food for you.