Desperate Housewives
The Miracle Song

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The Miracle Song

Widower Bill's. Amy is in the backyard, desperately twirling her baton and looking inside the house for approval; Gabby utterly ignores her as she sips a glass of wine and focuses the full blast of her seduction nozzle onto Bill, who's busy slicing mushrooms for dinner. Gabby glances outside and spots Amy getting bashed in the head by her own baton. Amy collapses to the grass, and Gabby rolls her eyes and closes the blinds. Yuck. Whatever happened to the Gabby who vowed to stop being awful? She totally tricked me with all her faux emotional evolution, and now she's right back to being despicable. When will this storyline end?

Gabby and Bill flirt about how awful it is to be lonely, and Bill actually seems fairly likeable, like way better than Gabby deserves. Just then Amy bursts in, all excited. She caught the baton! Did they see it? Gabby puts her creepy mitt on Bill's arm and smarms at Amy to go back outside and try again, they promise to watch her this time. Amy eagerly turns to leave, but then she turns and catches Bill and Gabby doing a weird swirling snake dance with each other's hands, ew. Amy's eyes narrow evilly.

Ian arrives at Susan's house with a bunch of flowers for the centerpiece at tonight's big dinner with the folks. Susan is poring over the phonebook, looking for lawyers for Mike. Ah, just what Mike needs, a phonebook lawyer. Susan announces that they'll be having something French, something that sounds an awful like "Bell Biv Devoe." Ian: "Well, that's very ambitious of you. And when will Bree be done making it?" Susan swings her arms guiltily and confesses that Bree'll be over with the food by 5:30. Ian notices the phonebook; Susan explains how Mike's in the pokey for murder and Edie dumped him, so now she's all he's got. Ian looks jealous, and Susan soothes him that she and Mike are "just friends," and Ian's her man. Cue the "Susan's An Emotional Cripple Who Doesn't Even Know Her Own True Feelings" music!

Hey, Ladies' Poker time! They must be on some kind of biannual schedule because they haven't played all season, and it's been missed. By me. Bree is off in the kitchen, leaving a message for Orson on his voicemail. Clearly this is the latest of a long line of messages. Bree sits down at the table as Gabby and Lynette finish up their filler talk (something about the chips and the cards and who does what and meow, meow, meow). Lynette: "Guys? Why has it been so long since poker? I need this!" Oh my god, did they just hear me say that? Have I somehow managed to open up a wormhole between my Oakland living room and the Wisteria Lanesters? Hello? Ladies? Can you hear me? If so, Gabby, I need you to tell me where you got that top. That silver-weave scoop at the neckline is just too cute! Gabby, can you hear me? ... Weird. Gabby is totally ignoring me now. Susan scootles in, late as always, and demands to know if Bree's gone to the police yet. Bree has no idea what Susan's talking about: now that it's been revealed that Mike's Monique's murderer (ugh, so many "M"s here, it's like that terrible Crash Test Dummies song in here). Susan: "What are you saying? You think Mike is guilty?" Gabby and Lynette, sensing the tension creeping into Susan and Bree's demeanors, start trying to make "girl talk." Gabby hilariously blurts, "Anybody have a yeast infection?" Keep it up, Gabs, and I might just forgive you for being such a moral midget in that your other bore-y-line.

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Desperate Housewives

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