The show opens at a neighborhood block meeting. All the neighbors (frightened by the Ice Cream Bandit incident over at Gabby's) are poised to hire an armed security guard to come monitor Wisteria Lane when Betty (frightened by the idea of an armed security guard shooting Caleb) distracts them all by tickling the ivories. Problem: solved! Gabby, who has indeed lost the baby, seems a little too unaffected by the loss, what with all the facials, eyebrow waxes, mani-pedis, and shopping. So Carlos asks an ex-con to help her face her grief, which the ex-con does by semi-kidnapping Gabby, bringing her to a park, and making her set a red balloon free. Problem: solved! Lynette comes home late from work and finds the P-twins out playing in the street. Concerned about Mr. Mom Tom's lax parental monitoring, Lynette asks Receptionist Stu (from work) to kidnap the twins to demonstrate how vulnerable they are. Unfortunately, the plan backfires when vigilant Mrs. McCluskey tasers Stu. And tasers him again. And again. Problem: solved? When George "accidentally" forgets to pull the engagement announcement from the paper (in deference to Bree's request to "slow things down"), his ex-fiancÃ© comes out of the woodwork to warn Bree that George truly is crazy, and also very possessive and jealous. Bree, who is still very much in denial about George, kicks the ex-fiancÃ© out in a huff, and yet Bree finds that she can't quite shake the woman's warnings. Bree goes to the pharmacy to confront George, and George tells her that actually the ex-fiancÃ© is the crazy one, and he prints out a fake list of the ex-fiancÃ©'s many brain-helper prescriptions to prove it. Later, Bree and George go out for drinks and he has a frightening meltdown when (a) Bree dances with an ex-boyfriend she runs into from college, and (b) Bree refuses to wear her engagement ring. Bree calls off the engagement, and George takes off, steals Bree's ex-boyfriend's car, and then torches it. Problem: still pretty problematic. In her wedding toast, Sophie thanks everyone for coming and then bizarrely confesses that Susan's father wasn't a war hero, nor was he a one-night stand; rather, he was a married man who now works at the feed store across town. Susan leaves the wedding in a huff, and then later, we see Stalker Susan sitting in her car and watching her father close up shop. Problem: only just begun! Mike catches Caleb trying to break into some cars. The police are called, and as Caleb's carted away, Betty very subtly signals to him by putting a finger to her lips, and Caleb nods his agreement to keep it zipped. Problem: totally not at all solved, are you kidding? Meanwhile: Matthew and Danielle have a late-night rendezvous at the Wisteria bench. And really, I've got no problem with that.
Previously: basically, all the stuff that went down in last week's episode.
Things get started with MAVO telling us all about the piano genius that is Betty Applewrong. In flashback, we see Betty as a young girl playing the piano for her first piano teacher, who "praised her dexterity." Then we see Betty (or her hands, at least) playing for her first college professor, who "applauded her sense of rhythm." And then we see Betty's (hands) playing for her first symphony conductor, who "hailed her dramatic flair."
Back in the now, Betty and Matthew are hovering on the sidelines of a neighborhood block meeting. MAVO: "But Betty was no longer a concert pianist. She was now just a woman with a secret -- one she was determined to keep by any means necessary." Mrs. McCluskey is cranking about how unsurprised she is that Wisteria has had a(nother) break-in, seeing as the police don't patrol there at all. Though, really, the police presence is almost constant, considering the frequency with which they're called in to handle Wisteria Lane's many arsonists, murderers, and domestic disturbers. Tom points out that they have the neighborhood watch, but Mrs. McCluskey dismisses that as "joke," pointedly asking when was the last time anyone there had been on patrol, a question the neighbors answer with a guilty silence. Mrs. McCluskey says that she, at least, has installed security lights on her house, but she also thinks they need to pony up for professional security. Lynette says that sounds expensive. Mrs. McCluskey: "Could you really put a price on your kids' safety? Well, you probably could." Ha. Lynette says in a tired voice that she's as worried as anyone else in the neighborhood. As Lynette and McCluskey bicker, Matthew whispers to Betty that she needs to put a stop to this, and Betty whispers back that she can't exactly say she's against the concept of security. Matthew says something worriedly about "if they find Caleb," but Betty hushes him, saying she needs to "think." Meanwhile, McCluskey is saying something about how she isn't talking about hiring "vigilantes," but "trained men who know when to shoot." The neighbors argue back and forth for a while, until Mrs. McCluskey says it's time to take a "vote about armed security."
And that's when Betty makes her move: she sits down at the (highly convenient) grand piano and plays the villain's "duh-duh-duh-duhhhhh," adding a great deal of vibrating flare to the final "duhhhhh." She apologizes for interrupting -- it's just that "things were getting so dramatic." Tom compliments her on her playing. McCluskey grumps that they were supposed to be taking a vote, but Matthew keeps things off-topic by explaining that his mother used to be a concert pianist. Betty humbly admits that she "dabbled a bit," and then she launches into some serious piano-ing. The crowd listens on with wonder. MAVO: "Yes, Betty Applewhite was a gifted woman, and the greatest of all her gifts was her timing." So, somehow, using nothing but her stirring ebony-and-ivory talents, Betty manages to vaporize all thoughts of neighborhood security? That is the most retarded diversionary tactic ever. And at a scant three minutes into the show, my eyes are already rolling painfully. If they gave out Emmys for Earliest Detour into Implausibility (and I'm pretty sure they do), then this episode can start practicing its acceptance speech.