VAN DE KAMP

Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance: "I just dropped by to be quirkily handsome at you some more."
Bree: "I am a Rules girl. My way of keeping you interested is by being a frigid bitch, because God forbid men and women relate to each other in an authentic and mutually respectful way."
Detective Chuck Vance: "It is working. Men love being mistreated, and women are vengeful, insane creatures. Such is the way of things."
Bree: "Fine, I'll go out with you."

CSI OR SOMETHING

Dude: "You want me to test a tuna casserole. For antifreeze."
Paul: "Yeah, there was no way for the hospital to figure out if I'm slowly being murdered, so I've taken things into my own hands."
Dude: "You'd think they could do tests, like on your body. Or on this tuna casserole."
Paul: "Fairview doctors only make as much sense as the rest of the moronic nonsense that goes on here."

VAN DE KAMP

Renee: "Hey Bree, couple of things. We're best friends in this episode, suddenly. You know how that goes. And number two, I'm black so I like jazz."
Bree: "I am aggressively white, the other kind of person that likes jazz, but I'm afraid I don't have time to be suddenly best friends with you right now. I have a date."
Renee: "Bullshit."
Bree: "Why is that a surprise? I'm the only person who dates on this entire show."
Renee: "Anyway, I'm going to run a background check on this guy. That's a thing I can do."
Bree: "That sounds like a good idea to me, because I am creepy as fuck. You should definitely do that."
Renee: "The one time I didn't, I got stuck under a dead football player for two days."
Bree: "That's so realistic and funny!"

SOLIS

Gabrielle, verbatim: "Give her one of those It Gets Better speeches you gays love so much."

Jacob: "Um, no. What we love is the idea of gay teenagers not committing suicide. You complete asshole."

Gay One: "What is the content of your nightmares, Juanita?"
Juanita: "My mother's sexual abuser has been hanging out on our lawn. They're not actually nightmares. There is an actual dude in a sombrero that hangs out on our lawn. The scary movie is just a coincidence."

Gay One: "When I was a kid, I had bad dreams too! My brother told me that there was a hospital for the criminally insane on the outskirts of town. And at night, the inmates would escape and kidnap little boys and girls. It was totally real. One summer, three kids went missing. Until they found them, about a month later, in a ravine."
Gabi: "The atrophied part of my brain where other people keep Basic Parenting Skills can't help but think that you are possibly doing this wrong."