PTA

Ladies: "Oh, shit. It's Susie Housework."
Susan: "I just want to help with some Open House or something so I can get my job back."
Ladies: "Your job of whoring?"
Susan: "Sure, whatever. Keep being assholes to me, okay?"
Mary Alice: "I approve."
Ladies: "Just bring the streamers. But don't have sex with them on the internet, okay?"

VAN DE KAMP

Bree: "I feel gross about having pried into this man's life. Not enough to actually behave appropriately, but just bad enough to act like you're forcing me to do it."
Renee: "Okay, well. He's a detective, so he's poor. And he's secretly British, which is why his face looks like that."
Bree: "Is he into BDSM?"
Renee: "Everybody on this entire show is gross, but especially guys you date, so yes."
Bree: "Is he gay?"
Renee: "Not this week."
Bree, verbatim: "Is he a dirty cop? Or a Democrat?"
Renee, verbatim: "Worse."

Minutes later...

Detective Chuck Vance: "Bree, are you ready for our date?"
Bree: "I think you mean, am I ready to be totally creepy and mean and then bust out secret knowledge halfway through our date, making the whole thing pointless. And the answer to that question is an unqualified yes."
Bree, halfway through their date: "So you're married, huh?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Yeah, I'm in divorce proceedings. See, it's 2011 and we're having dinner. I haven't exactly offered your dad five goats."
Bree: "Well, in my head we were already married, because I am creepy."
Detective Chuck Vance: "I'll say. Your second husband, the hit-and-run driver? Orson, was it? Tell me, who was creepier: Him, or that pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating. Yeah, I pulled your file."
Bree: "How dare you investigate me before our date!"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Ugh."

SCAVO

Tom: "I am a fairly disgusting human being."
Lynette: "But I'm still worse."

DETECTIVE CHUCK VANCE

Detective Chuck Vance: "Is our date over?"
Bree: "The fun thing about my mind games is, you'll never know."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Then I'm picking up a hooker."
Bree: "Of course you are."