SOLIS

Carlos, smugly: "Gabrielle, what are you doing on our lawn?"
Gabi, verbatim: "I thought I was borrowing Lynette's tent. Turns out I borrowed a nylon bag of death!"
Carlos: "Seriously, though. I don't remember signing off on any front-yard camping. Explain yourself immediately."
Gabi: "Juanita and I are going to camp out all night. Either there's no scary lawn guy, or we'll both be dead."
Carlos: "That tent makes me think of Andrew Van de Kamp. And thinking of Andrew Van de Kamp, in turn, gives me..."
Gabi: "Yeah. It's a vicious circle."

DETECTIVE CHUCK VANCE

Detective Chuck Vance: "Bree, what a surprise. Just kidding, I'm totally into mind games too."
Bree: "Ever since you told that charming white girl with all her teeth that I was a hooker, I can't stop thinking about you."
Detective Chuck Vance, verbatim: "Well if you like that, you should wait till Valentine's Day."
Bree: "The only person that hates women more than men do is me! We might really have something here."
Detective Chuck Vance: "When did dating become so complicated?"
Bree: "Around the time we started doing background checks on each other and being super gross, I guess."

SUSAN & FELICIA

Susan: "Wait, why do I even want to be around those bitches at that school?"
Felicia: "Whatever. Tell me how Paul's doing. Is he possibly exhibiting signs of renal failure or heart palpitations consistent with antifreeze poisoning?"
Susan: "That is so weird! That's exactly what's going on!"
Felicia: "The women in my family have always been a little psychic."
Susan: "And a little crazy. And a little devoted to revenge and murder. Anyway..."
Felicia: "You're really not going to connect the fucking dots on this, are you?"
Susan: "This morning I locked my keys in the car because I thought a banana was my phone, but it turned out my phone was in the oven and my banana was plugged into the charger. That was how my day started."

SCAVO FAMILY MEETING

Tom & Lynette: "Kids, it is possible to hate someone so much that you literally get off on imagining their grisly death."

SOLIS TENT

Gabi: "Juanita, take off that football helmet. It makes you look fat."
Juanita: "I am more concerned with the fact that you've lured me out here with the thin hope of spending time with my own mother, and which will result in my murder."
Gabi, annoyed: "Dude, there is no killer guy. It's an actor. In a movie. Now sit here and get murdered to prove I am a good parent."
Juanita: "I know all that? Yet I'm still scared. Kids are not rational people. I wish you'd respect that."
Gabi, making a decent go of things: "It's okay to be scared, it's even fun sometimes. But you can't let that scared come from inside your own head, and you have to be able to calm it down if it does."
Juanita: "What's scary is how much sense that statement made. What have you done with my mother?"