Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Poisoning the Unwell


Mary Alice: "You know what I hate about Susan Delfino? Her compassion. She's always doing nice shit for people. I wish she would just quit. Helping people doesn't help."


Susan: "Paul, why were you on the floor dying last week? What are we doing in the hospital?"
Paul: "I don't know, I feel bad. I've been feeling bad for a while. Maybe the writers didn't actually retcon you into a competent cook after all?"
Susan: "I brought you magazines and water. They don't have those in hospitals."
Paul: "It's funny how you are the only person being nice to me, and yet I nearly punched your teeth in last week."
Mary Alice: "That is because compassion is for suckers, Paul."
Susan: "No, I shouldn't have suggested taking possession of my own home, that was mean. Especially since you own dozens of other homes, and only moved into mine to torture me."

Doctor: "Well, Paul, it seems like there's nothing wrong with you, besides the renal failure and heart palpitations consistent with antifreeze poisoning. You can go home and keep eating tons of antifreeze."
Paul: "Looks like I have to yell at Susan some more."
Susan: "What can I make you for dinner tonight?"
Paul: "I don't know, I guess more poison."


Mary Alice: "I wish Susan Delfino would poison herself, so she would stop being nice to people. It offends me personally."
Jacob: "Mary Alice, where is it that you are lovely-bonesing us from?"
Mary Alice: "Oh, I'm totally in heaven."
Jacob: "For real? Are you sure?"


Carlos: "Ladies, I'm home! I hope you're behaving yourselves in a way that I approve!"
Juanita: "Mommy and I are watching a slasher movie! It's the only time we've ever spent together in my entire obese life, please don't fuck this up."
Carlos: "Oh, I am going to fuck it up. How dare you share a single moment with your daughter?"
Gabi: "Oh, for God's sake, it's just a movie. I'm going to end up being wrong, aren't it?"
Carlos: "Have you ever seen this show?"

Minutes later...

Juanita: "I can no longer discern the difference between fantasy and reality, despite as recently as minutes ago clearly delineating my understanding of that difference!"
Carlos: "You know what, fine. I'm going to go sleep in Juanita's bed."
Juanita: "Celia is in there. Because she pissed her own."
Gabi: "I'm not concerned about that at all. Go to sleep, everybody."


Tom: "Man, when you get 'em all in one place, our gay redheaded children really add up."
Lynette: "How was another day of earning money and having the right to vote?"
Tom: "Could you stop being such a bitch for one second?"
Lynette: "I cannot."
Tom: "So, even though our family vacation is already planned and paid for, I'd like to throw a bunch of money around and take everybody to Hawaii."
One Thousand Gay Gingers: "We are happy! Hawaii!"
Lynette: "I must destroy this happiness immediately."
Tom: "Really?"
Lynette: "Yes, really."

Gingers: "Yeah, it's totally appropriate for you guys to fight this out in front of us. Clearly no larger power issues going on. Make us choose between our shitty parents, that's a recipe for mental health. What are the options here?"
Lynette: "Instead of flying to paradise, I was thinking we could cram all one thousand of you into an RV, equipped with a single toilet and my horrible personality, and then we cruise around boring America until we are all ready to kill each other, and then I drive into the Grand Canyon and our misery finally ends."
Gingers: "So... Hawaii, then."

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Desperate Housewives




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