MJ'S DUMB SCHOOL
Susan: "Principal Hobson! I am stalking you to get my job back!"
Hobson: "The job you lost working with children, after you turned to porn?"
Susan: "I don't believe in consequences for my actions!"
Hobson: "I masturbate to you sometimes."
Susan: "Look, I made a mistake, but I feel like I deserve a second chance."
Hobson: "I guess. But you know that the parents at this school are bitches, right? And that you'll never fit into their social stratum? And that the school voucher system is just a racist way of fighting having to pay for something that is your right as an American?"
Susan: "I don't understand any of those words. Just let me charm/poison the PTA, okay?"
Hobson: "I am going to masturbate to you now, elsewhere, again. Believably enough."
Susan: "Only in Fairview would that not result in me suing your ass so hard that I never have to work again, because only in Fairview is this the way adults behave with one another."
Hobson: "The important thing is that I am still able to work with children despite my love of pornography, while you are held to a different standard."
VAN DE KAMP
Dreamy Detective Chuck Vance: "I just dropped by to be quirkily handsome at you some more."
Bree: "I am a Rules girl. My way of keeping you interested is by being a frigid bitch, because God forbid men and women relate to each other in an authentic and mutually respectful way."
Detective Chuck Vance: "It is working. Men love being mistreated, and women are vengeful, insane creatures. Such is the way of things."
Bree: "Fine, I'll go out with you."
CSI OR SOMETHING
Dude: "You want me to test a tuna casserole. For antifreeze."
Paul: "Yeah, there was no way for the hospital to figure out if I'm slowly being murdered, so I've taken things into my own hands."
Dude: "You'd think they could do tests, like on your body. Or on this tuna casserole."
Paul: "Fairview doctors only make as much sense as the rest of the moronic nonsense that goes on here."
VAN DE KAMP
Renee: "Hey Bree, couple of things. We're best friends in this episode, suddenly. You know how that goes. And number two, I'm black so I like jazz."
Bree: "I am aggressively white, the other kind of person that likes jazz, but I'm afraid I don't have time to be suddenly best friends with you right now. I have a date."
Bree: "Why is that a surprise? I'm the only person who dates on this entire show."
Renee: "Anyway, I'm going to run a background check on this guy. That's a thing I can do."
Bree: "That sounds like a good idea to me, because I am creepy as fuck. You should definitely do that."
Renee: "The one time I didn't, I got stuck under a dead football player for two days."
Bree: "That's so realistic and funny!"