Gabrielle, verbatim: "Give her one of those It Gets Better speeches you gays love so much."
Jacob: "Um, no. What we love is the idea of gay teenagers not committing suicide. You complete asshole."
Gay One: "What is the content of your nightmares, Juanita?"
Juanita: "My mother's sexual abuser has been hanging out on our lawn. They're not actually nightmares. There is an actual dude in a sombrero that hangs out on our lawn. The scary movie is just a coincidence."
Gay One: "When I was a kid, I had bad dreams too! My brother told me that there was a hospital for the criminally insane on the outskirts of town. And at night, the inmates would escape and kidnap little boys and girls. It was totally real. One summer, three kids went missing. Until they found them, about a month later, in a ravine."
Gabi: "The atrophied part of my brain where other people keep Basic Parenting Skills can't help but think that you are possibly doing this wrong."
Ladies: "Oh, shit. It's Susie Housework."
Susan: "I just want to help with some Open House or something so I can get my job back."
Ladies: "Your job of whoring?"
Susan: "Sure, whatever. Keep being assholes to me, okay?"
Mary Alice: "I approve."
Ladies: "Just bring the streamers. But don't have sex with them on the internet, okay?"
VAN DE KAMP
Bree: "I feel gross about having pried into this man's life. Not enough to actually behave appropriately, but just bad enough to act like you're forcing me to do it."
Renee: "Okay, well. He's a detective, so he's poor. And he's secretly British, which is why his face looks like that."
Bree: "Is he into BDSM?"
Renee: "Everybody on this entire show is gross, but especially guys you date, so yes."
Bree: "Is he gay?"
Renee: "Not this week."
Bree, verbatim: "Is he a dirty cop? Or a Democrat?"
Renee, verbatim: "Worse."
Detective Chuck Vance: "Bree, are you ready for our date?"
Bree: "I think you mean, am I ready to be totally creepy and mean and then bust out secret knowledge halfway through our date, making the whole thing pointless. And the answer to that question is an unqualified yes."
Bree, halfway through their date: "So you're married, huh?"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Yeah, I'm in divorce proceedings. See, it's 2011 and we're having dinner. I haven't exactly offered your dad five goats."
Bree: "Well, in my head we were already married, because I am creepy."
Detective Chuck Vance: "I'll say. Your second husband, the hit-and-run driver? Orson, was it? Tell me, who was creepier: Him, or that pharmacist who killed himself while you were dating. Yeah, I pulled your file."
Bree: "How dare you investigate me before our date!"
Detective Chuck Vance: "Ugh."