Desperate Housewives

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Poisoning the Unwell

Dude: "I found trace amounts of antifreeze, but not like enough to kill you."
Paul: "What if I ate a poisoned casserole every day?"
Dude: "Why... Um, why would you do that?"

SOLIS

Carlos, smugly: "Gabrielle, what are you doing on our lawn?"
Gabi, verbatim: "I thought I was borrowing Lynette's tent. Turns out I borrowed a nylon bag of death!"
Carlos: "Seriously, though. I don't remember signing off on any front-yard camping. Explain yourself immediately."
Gabi: "Juanita and I are going to camp out all night. Either there's no scary lawn guy, or we'll both be dead."
Carlos: "That tent makes me think of Andrew Van de Kamp. And thinking of Andrew Van de Kamp, in turn, gives me..."
Gabi: "Yeah. It's a vicious circle."

DETECTIVE CHUCK VANCE

Detective Chuck Vance: "Bree, what a surprise. Just kidding, I'm totally into mind games too."
Bree: "Ever since you told that charming white girl with all her teeth that I was a hooker, I can't stop thinking about you."
Detective Chuck Vance, verbatim: "Well if you like that, you should wait till Valentine's Day."
Bree: "The only person that hates women more than men do is me! We might really have something here."
Detective Chuck Vance: "When did dating become so complicated?"
Bree: "Around the time we started doing background checks on each other and being super gross, I guess."

SUSAN & FELICIA

Susan: "Wait, why do I even want to be around those bitches at that school?"
Felicia: "Whatever. Tell me how Paul's doing. Is he possibly exhibiting signs of renal failure or heart palpitations consistent with antifreeze poisoning?"
Susan: "That is so weird! That's exactly what's going on!"
Felicia: "The women in my family have always been a little psychic."
Susan: "And a little crazy. And a little devoted to revenge and murder. Anyway..."
Felicia: "You're really not going to connect the fucking dots on this, are you?"
Susan: "This morning I locked my keys in the car because I thought a banana was my phone, but it turned out my phone was in the oven and my banana was plugged into the charger. That was how my day started."

SCAVO FAMILY MEETING

Tom & Lynette: "Kids, it is possible to hate someone so much that you literally get off on imagining their grisly death."

SOLIS TENT

Gabi: "Juanita, take off that football helmet. It makes you look fat."
Juanita: "I am more concerned with the fact that you've lured me out here with the thin hope of spending time with my own mother, and which will result in my murder."
Gabi, annoyed: "Dude, there is no killer guy. It's an actor. In a movie. Now sit here and get murdered to prove I am a good parent."
Juanita: "I know all that? Yet I'm still scared. Kids are not rational people. I wish you'd respect that."
Gabi, making a decent go of things: "It's okay to be scared, it's even fun sometimes. But you can't let that scared come from inside your own head, and you have to be able to calm it down if it does."
Juanita: "What's scary is how much sense that statement made. What have you done with my mother?"

The Gay One, for reasons that are completely unclear but most certainly damning, shows up with an axe and pretends to murder them. All in good fun.

Juanita: "Well, now I'm crazy for sure."
Gay One: "Or did I just freak your mom out so much that you realize there's nothing to be scared of?"
Juanita: "Oh, gotcha. Good one!"
Gay One: "Now I'm going to go home and [some gay crap that barely makes sense.]"
Juanita: "Gay people are hilarious."

Gabi's Molester: "Ironically, I am real and totally hanging out in your yard."

SCAVO FAMILY BLOODBATH

Tom & Lynette: "Our power struggle is filthy, but you kids are still expected to choose between us. We will now begin to intimate that the other parent's vacation plans will result in your death. This is how parenting works. Now, we're going to go upstairs and await your decision."
Gingers: "We need a lawyer who specializes in emancipation. I am more than willing to enter the system at this point."

UPSTAIRS

Tom: "You've always had the power, no matter what our situation is. The whole time I was enjoying being a slacker and you were raising our thousand children and also providing for them, you made all the decisions..."
Lynette: "Because you are incompetent and childish and liked it that way."
Tom: "Nevertheless. Now, I am the Good Cop and our kids can finally hate you as much as I do."
Lynette: "I will do everything that I can to keep control of the lives of this family."
Tom: "That's just how women are. This is a totally valid storyline."

SOLIS TENT

Gabi: "Go home, gay dude!"
Molester: "I am not the gay dude. This is the scariest thing that has ever happened on this show."

SCAVO ABATTOIR OF HOPE

Lynette: "Our stupid daughter thinks we're getting a divorce and that we're forcing her to choose between us."
Tom: "Both of those things are apparently true."
Lynette: "Still, how stupid."
Tom: "We have raised jerks for kids."
Lynette: "It is because we are jerks."
Tom: "I despise you."
Lynette: "I despise you more!"
Tom: "Let's never get a divorce."
Lynette: "Why on earth would we do that?"
Tom: "Because you're such a bitch."
Lynette: "I accept your apology."

Tom: "Let's go on a vacation without our kids. I'm pretty sure it's them that's the problem, and not our wretched personalities."
Lynette: "That's a rational solution to this problem for sure. Deal."
Tom: "Just kidding. I totally have to work."

PTA OPEN HOUSE

Susan: "I managed to get streamers! I also brought cookies chock-full of poison."
Ladies: "Susan, you are a lifesaver. Nobody brought cookies."
Susan: "It's one of the things that makes a great teacher! Being ready for anything!"
Ladies: "Aside from qualifications and a teaching certificate, the ability to feed everybody poison cookies is the first thing we look for."
Susan: "That is serendipitous."

THE MEYER/DELFINO/YOUNG/TILLMAN HOUSE FOR WAYWARD POISONERS

Susan: "Competence courses through my veins! Paul, I just stopped by to feed you more poison before I go back to where I just was and poison those people."
Paul: "Great. Susan, sit down and eat some of this poisoned food."
Susan: "I just told you, I'm very busy."
Paul: Brandishes a knife.
Susan: "This again. Fine."

Paul: "Just kidding. Why don't I just hand you this knife and you can stab me in the heart or abdomen instead of slowly feeding me antifreeze?"
Susan: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Paul: "I swear. I just had this food tested and you are poisoning me. Eat this poison food."
Susan: "I think we both know I don't have it together enough to pull something like that off. Last time I tried to kill you it was with a caveman club."
Paul: "Is there anybody else who's been hanging around every time you cook me food, despite having no relationship with you at all and a raging vendetta against me? And no fingers?"
Susan: "Does not ring a bell. However, it seems I may also have just poisoned the entire PTA. If you'll excuse me..."

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