Bree gets drunk (surprise!) and Andrew gets sassy (surprise!), and the combo earns Andrew a nice, juicy slap across the face. Taking a page from Dirty Harry, Andrew talks Justin into punching him across the face, and then he takes his demonstrably bruised mug to a lawyer and requests emancipated minor status (which will, not-at-all-coincidentally, give him early access to his trust fund). The lawyer agrees that the Van de Kamp home is indeed not the healthiest of living environments, and a court date is set for a few weeks hence. To prepare for the looming legal battle, Bree creates the illusion of a woman on the mend by joining AA and pouring out all her booze...all but the hidden stash of wine, which she sets aside for depressing, late-night solo guzzle sessions. With high hopes of adopting a baby, Gabby and Carlos manufacture a "we'd make perfect parents" portfolio by taking lots of staged photos of them romping lovingly with Lynette's kids, but it's all for naught: turns out Helen (John the Gardener's mother) works at the adoption agency, and she's still just a shade peeved that Gabby "raped" her son. Blackballed by all the legit agencies, the Solises turn to a shady adoption lawyer, who -- with the motivation of a twenty-thousand-dollar check -- promises to do whatever it takes. Noah's sullied Detective Sullivan sets up CreePaul with a van full of orange-suited, knife-endowed prisoners. But CreePaul scuttles the assassination plan by fighting back with unexpected ferociousness, and he manages to live another day. When a bloodied and mussed CreePaul arrives at home, Felicia (who has moved back to Wisteria Lane) is visibly shocked; clearly, she had high hopes for her patient Noah's Operation CreePaul Removal. To protect CreePaul from any future assassination attempts, Zana agrees to meet Noah, at last. When Zana refuses to hug Grandfather Noah -- in fact, even tries to blackmail Noah by threatening to never see him again if anything happens to CreePaul -- Noah is highly impressed: Zana, it seems, is quite the chip off the old block! Lynette criticizes one of Tom's pitches at work, and he gets all upset about how she's the alpha dog in the relationship. So...he sexes her up in the elevator at work. Take that! Moments before surgery, Susan's little doctor friend Ron tells a highly doped Susan that he loves her, but a smiling, smiling Susan informs him that she still loves Mike, oops!
Previously: Bree got drunk and passed out while babysitting Lynette's kids. Gabby had an affair with her underage gardener. Noah discovered Zana was his grandson, and then he sent Detective Sullied to get rid of CreePaul. (Note: we also see a flashback of Felicia asking Noah, with feigned concern, "What kind of people would buy a baby from a junkie?" Which I don't ever remember seeing! When did that conversation go down? Is my brain dumb? Probably.)
MAVO: "What made my husband Paul Young such a good investor was his was his uncanny ability to anticipate the future." We see a montage of CreePaul observing things -- Mary Alice asking a young Zana how he managed to tie his own shoes together, Mary Alice putting together a fancy coffee in a commuter mug, Mary Alice pouring filtered water into a thermos. With each little scenario, Mary Alice explains how CreePaul used what he observed to invest with crazy cunning: he put money in velcro shoes, in three-dollar coffee stores, and in bottled water. CreePaul is a genius.
In the now, canny CreePaul is on the horn with some money people. "I've been reading about the election results in Brazil," he says all-knowingly and also self-importantly. "It's time to buy sugar." Just then, a loud knock sounds at the door: it's Detective Sullied with some story about how CreePaul's name came up in a credit-card fraud investigation, and he needs to come down to the station. MAVO, with Olympian upbeat-ness: "But the crystal ball that served Paul so well in the stock market sometimes failed him closer to home." Paul leaves with Detective Sullied, assuring Zana on his way out the door that everything will get cleared up soon, since, clearly, it's all "just a mix-up." It almost makes you wish, somehow, that CreePaul had paid attention when Mike warned him about Detective Sullied? Also: I sure hope this whole "investment savvy" thing of CreePaul's plays some future purpose on the show, because if the only reason the writers introduced it was to pave the way semi-ironically for CreePaul's lack of personal-safety smarts, well...that's a missed character-building opportunity in a long line of missed character-building opportunities on this show. I'm sorry to crab, but I'm just getting a little yawny over this show's lack of follow-through, what with all these characters (Susan's dad, Susan's book agent, Susan's gay almost-husband, Bree's party-hosting nemesis, Gabby's mother, Lynette's home-porno neighbors, Bree's ex-college boyfriend whose car George torched, Bree's hospitalized therapist, and so on and so on) appearing and disappearing and eating up screen time when we never get to see the characters we actually want (or are supposed to want) to know more about: Edie, Danielle, Julie, the Applewrongs. I'm fine with guest appearances, but when the core characters don't evolve, and their behavior patterns don't build on top of previous experiences, the show is becoming less a "tune in next week" dramedy and more a Love Boat-type hat rack for displaying a rotating selection of guest stars. The end.