Previously on Desperate Housewives: Susan said she would never believe anything Mike says ever again (never ever NEVER); Mama Solis came to stay and promised to investigate Carlos's suspicion that Gabrielle was cheating on him; Andrew didn't feel at all bad for hit-and-running over Mama because she's so very old and he's so very young (and gay) and, hello, he shouldn't have to waste all that virility on prison or community service or like an apology...JESUS!
The Mary Alice Voice Over: "In the coma ward in the Sacred Heart Hospital, people dream." Isn't that lovely, dreaming? "The custodian dreams of someday winning the lottery and quitting his thankless job." The custodian takes out an actual lottery ticket and kisses it on the lips and then walks away from his floor waxer, a half-waxed floor, and an ominous Caution Cone. I'm not exactly sure why he's leaving right in the middle of things like that; maybe he's retreating to a quiet corner so he can dirty talk to his lottery ticket in peace? "Howard the security guard envisions a luxurious retirement in the tropics." Howard kicks off his shoes and settles in for some hardcore on-the-job napping. "Ruth Ann the night nurse fantasizes about leaving her husband." Nurse Ruth Ann leaves her wedding ring spinning like a top on her desk as she grabs her cigarettes and abandons her post. The scene for some serious bodily harm is now set. "But the most vivid dreams of all belong to the patient in room 312." We see in flashback that Mama Solis has been dreaming about the moment she caught Gabby on top of the gardener (as well she should...that is one steamy, dream-worthy sweet-gardener/hot-lady combo), and she's been dreaming about the accident that put her in her coma (not quite as steamy). But, more than anything, Mama's been dreaming about the moment she finally gets to tell her son the truth about his cheating ex-supermodel wife.
"And then one night, Juanita Solis decided it was time to wake up." Mama's eyes pop open and she leaps out of bed, atrophied coma muscles be damned, and starts scooting around the abandoned hospital hallways in nothing but her gown and socks, wheeling her IV beside her. "Hello?" she croaks, "is anybody here?" At least her voice has the decency to be slightly hoarse after five months of nothing but dreaming. "I have to call my son!" Mama slaps her hands in frustration on Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann's abandoned desk. Mama wheels past the sleeping guard. Mama frantically presses the elevator button. Mama spies a pay phone across a vast expanse of half-waxed floor. Mama rips out her IV (she doesn't have time for IVs, are you kidding?) and races out onto the slippery, slippery floor, which launches her into a spectacular cartoon slapstick skid, which propels her through a door marked "Stairs," and then, yes, she bumps her way...down...a full...flight...of stairs. Startled by Mama's sudden arrival, Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann throws down her cigarette and races to Mama's crumpled side. "Tell my son," Mama gasps, "his wife is cheating on him." Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann ohmygods as Mama slips into the Permanent Dream. Cue the Six Feet Under theme song! But oops, guess who missed Mama's dying message because she was wearing headphones -- headphones blasting some horrible, horrible panty jams? (I swear, was that Al Jarreau? Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann was jamming to Al Jarreau as she puffed and fumed about leaving her husband?) But then how did Smoking Nurse Ruth Ann know to turn around when Mama hit the deck, if she couldn't hear her fall? Hm. Maybe she felt the vibration of the body hitting the metal stairway landing, you know, through her feet? In any case, cue Danny Elfman and the Desperate Housewives montage!