Desperate Housewives

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Zach Oat: A- | Grade It Now!
What Are You Doing, Dave?

Credits! This theme song always makes me think of Christmas. The giant apple should be wedged in a giant pig's mouth, or maybe turned into a giant orange with cloves stuck in it.

Mary Alice tells us how to spot a dangerous woman, although the camera making love to the blonde applying lipstick on a street corner is pretty much pointing out the warning signs for her. The blonde says that she's going to make someone off-screen very happy, and we cut across to find out that she's talking to Tom, who looks pretty happy already. Just then, who should be driving through this warehouse district but Lynette, who sees Tom being propositioned by a pretty blonde and ends her Bluetooth conversation to pull over. Now, I know this must be a pretty small town, since Bree conveniently drove by the same steel band her husband was sitting near only a few episodes ago, but seriously -- there are open loading docks in the background. What is Lynette doing there? Is it her weekly trip to the meat-packing district, to pick up some steaks for her brood? She walks up to Tom like he's in the middle of committing a crime -- I guess it looks that way, but maybe a little trust for your husband? You know, the guy who just sold the family business without telling you? -- and Tom re-introduces her to real estate agent Anne Schilling, "Kirby's mom!" It turns out she was helping him find a rehearsal space for his boy band. So happy he's not cheating, and embarrassed at what she suspected, Lynette tells him to sign the damn lease.

Cut to Susan drinking coffee in her kitchen, telling the Jackson story to someone off-camera and asking their advice. It turns out it's her new painter, Frank, whom she's hired to repaint the kitchen that Jackson was working on, including all of the excellent molding work he's already done. Frank mistakenly calls her "Suzanne," then advises her to call him, because she's letting pride get in the way of what could be a good relationship. She asks how much she's paying him, says that's not enough, and leaves to visit Jackson. The painter agrees that it's not enough, probably because he would have asked for more if he knew he was going to have to listen to Teri Hatcher bitch about how much somebody loves her.

At the Solis house, Mrs. Hildebrandt (who we can now see is played by Frances Conroy) has given Carlos a ride home from work. When she's introduced to Gaby, Gaby tells her that she's Carlos' favorite client -- okay, she's Gaby's favorite client, classily bringing up the fat tip she left and pointing out that it bought the shirt she's wearing. Hopefully, it also bought food for her children. Mrs. Hildebrandt reveals that she's made Carlos a job offer -- she wants to take Carlos to Europe for two months as her personal masseur, and Gaby is unsure until she hears that the job pays $50,000... per month. "Well, pip-pip and arrivederci!" squeaks Gaby, as Mrs. H tells them to think about it. Gaby says she can put Carlos in a cage for that kind of money, but Carlos doesn't want to abandon his other clients. Gaby points out that if the trip goes well, Mrs. H. will tell all of her rich friends "what he did for her," not realizing her unintentional double entendre. Carlos looks ill, and says "Great."

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Desperate Housewives




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