Edie wants to watch a war movie but Karl wants to watch football, so Edie dons lacy lingerie and flashes Karl a pair of long, silk scarves: sexy semaphore for "bondage time!" Karl scampers off to the bedroom and willingly submits to being tethered to the bed. "Whipped cream!" Edie exclaims, and Karl looks pleased indeed. Cut to: Edie, sitting on the couch, watching her movie, and eating a huge piece of pie piled beyond all sanity with swirls of whipped cream. There's an opening at Lynette's work, and Tom wants it bad. Lynette objects, so Tom goes over her head and applies for the job using a made-up name. Ed (Lynette's boss) loves Tom, and he gets the job! Susan needs an operation. (Remember that "wandering spleen" thing from last week, which I thought Dr. Young made up just to make Susan worry like she'd made him worry? Well, it turns out he didn't make it up.) Dr. Young, who's never removed a spleen before, is slated to cut out Susan's spleen, which makes Susan nervous, seeing as Dr. Young can't even cut steak properly. Susan requests someone more experienced, and Dr. Young gets hurt and also mad. But then they make up!
Bree finds Matthew in Danielle's bedroom and marches him over to Betty's for a scolding. Betty more than complies: she slaps Matthew across the face and then informs Bree that this won't be a problem again, since she and Matthew are moving away. Danielle cries and cries and wails and says lots of bitchy things to Bree. Bree, feeling badly, heads back over to Betty's to see if perhaps some kind of chaperoned Matthew-and-Danielle make-outs can be arranged. But when Bree gets to the Applewrongs' house, she spots Caleb in an upper window. Bree scurries home to call all the Ladies and leave titillating messages, hinting about the scintillating new Betty news. Danielle arranges a meeting with Matthew and tells him that Bree spotted Caleb, and then she gives him this little gift: she tells him about how, not so long ago, Andrew ran over Mama Solis and the Van de Kamps covered it all up. Betty uses the intel to blackmail Bree into staying quiet about Caleb, and then Betty muscles her way into the weekly poker game, making for awkward and silent and strange card-playing indeed. Sister Mary Hotpants is back in town, and she's pushing "annulment" pamphlets on Carlos. Gabby informs (i.e. lies to) her priest that SMH has been sleeping with Carlos, so SMH gets shipped off to Alaska. But before SMH gets the chance to leave town, Gabby stops by the church to gloat, and a howling cat-fight ensues, featuring biting, rolling around on the floor, and fire. After demonstrating this infinite maturity, Gabby tells Carlos that finally, yes, she's ready to have a baby. Everybody pray!
MAVO: "If there was one thing Edie Britt understood, it was the nature of war." Edie sits on her couch (nice white-with-black-polka-dot satin halter dress!), eating a huge slab of pie and watching a black and white war movie. Karl walks in and sits down next to her, and they exchange a look. MAVO: "After two failed marriages and countless rocky romances, she had learned that love was a battlefield, and the easiest way to survive the carnage was total surrender." Wait, what? Edie Britt? Surrender? I find that hard to believe. But I'm too buttered up by the Pat Benatar reference to put up too much of a fight. Flashback: Edie, in her robe, standing in front of her fully stocked personal bar (oh gag, is that Appletini mix?). Edie waxes romantic about her desire for a trip to Rome. Karl, not looking up from his drink: "Vegas is cheaper." Edie petulantly throws another ice cube into her drink. Flashback two: Edie, holding a pair of Karl's boxers over his head, asks him to put his dirty laundry in the hamper. Karl, again distractedly (he's very busy writing in a tiny little book -- his diary?): "Can you do it, you're standing right there?" Edie crabbily throws his soiled underthing into the laundry basket. Flashback three: Edie tells Karl she has a "hankering for Chinese food," but Karl (staring deep into a glass...paperweight?) informs her that he's "so over rice" and he wants pizza instead. Edie throws the Chinese food menu into the trash. In short, Karl and Edie don't have the greatest communication skills, and also Karl has the attention span of maybe a sparrow. MAVO: "But the day comes for every soldier when she must take a stand and fight." Back in the now, Karl clickers the TV away from Edie's war movie and over to The Game. Edie tells Karl, "I want to watch my movie!" Karl, in the smooth tones of a practiced manipulator: "Edie. This is important to me." Edie tells him "fine," she has "stuff to do anyway," and then she marches into the bedroom. MAVO: "You see, when it came to men, Edie had a battle plan all her own." Edie comes downstairs -- wearing a black bra and panty set with a filmy, short, black, and fur-trimmed overthing. She unfurls two white silk ties and asks Karl if he has "five minutes for Edie?" He smiles wolfishly and races upstairs.