Desperate Housewives
There's Something About a War

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There's Something About a War

A knock sounds on Betty's door. Look who's here! It's Bree, with a mortified-looking Danielle and Matthew in tow. Bree indignantly tells Betty about how she found Matthew in bed with her daughter. Without missing a beat, Betty SLAPS Matthew across the face and orders him inside. Danielle and Bree stand there, slack-jawed. Betty: "I apologize for my son's behavior. It won't happen again. I put the house up for sale, and we're moving." With that, Betty heads back inside. Danielle = sad!

It's late-late at night, and Lynette's struggling to come up with a pitch for the "Black's Frozen Yogurt campaign." (The first time through this scene, I imagined the apostrophe in a different spot -- "the blacks' frozen yogurt" -- and I was truly alarmed: frozen yogurt, targeted at African-Americans? Whom Lynette is referring to as "the blacks"? That...doesn't sound...right.) Tom comes in and asks how it's going, and Lynette sighs hugely and looks at her watch: "Here we are at T-minus nine hours and eleven minutes from the biggest pitch in our company's history, and I have nothing even vaguely presentable." She holds up two mock-ups. One is decorated with little stars, and it reads "Black's Frozen Yogurt: Taste that's out of this world." The other one has a polar bear, and its tagline is "Get frozen with BLACK'S." Kudos to the set-design people, or whoever it was, for coming up with such perfectly "meh" taglines! Tom starts brewing some coffee and asks Lynette if she wants to run some ideas past him. Lynette nicely tries to send him to bed, in deference to how "exhausted" he must be. Tom: "C'mon, honey. Let's do this. Let's nail this sucker. What do we got?" Frustrated Lynette waves her hands over her stack of mediocre pitches and says, "We've got? Nothing." Tom spreads his arms wide and starts free-styling: "Black's Frozen Yogurt...let your taste buds come in from the cold." Lynette shrugs. Tom: "I'm just knocking the rust off. I can do better." And then Tom starts some sort of weird rapping: "Black's...the fro-YO that makes you go 'whoa.'" Lynette laughs. Tom: "Okay...'Black's Frozen Yogurt, because our cows are better.' Or! Or! Or! 'Frogurt! It's fun to eat, it's fun to say'..." Lynette perks up: "That's actually good." Tom: "Really?" Evany: "Really?" Lynette: "The cow part, that could work. We'll make them into characters. We'll...humanize them. OH! I know! Celebrity. Cow. Spokespeople!" Which, A) not a good idea and B) has nothing whatsoever to do with what Tom suggested. But okay. Tom and Lynette high-five, and Tom puts his feet up on the table, leans back, and lies: "Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking! Like, you know, make them into famous characters...like Reverend Moo-ny." Lynette gives him a "nice try" look, and the background music wah-wahs. Tom: "They can't all be gems." Lynette rubs her eye out of fatigue and/or an inability to look her husband in the eye.

Susan and her Little Doctor Friend, nee "Dr. Young" (handle changed due to much reported confusion vis-à-vis Wisteria Lane's preexisting Young family), walk up to her door after a mutually satisfying third date. Susan tries and tries to get him to come inside (Julie's out of town! A bottle of wine's chilling in the fridge!), but Little Doctor Friend isn't biting...rather, he just pecks her on the lips for .0000001 seconds and then flees. Susan, calling out to his retreating form: "Do I just repulse you?" Little Doctor Friend hastens to explain that while he's "like, inches away from ripping off all [Susan's] clothes" (Susan: "And you're stopping yourself why?"), it's unethical for him to french her while he's still her doctor. He turns to leave once more. But then! Little Doctor Friend turns back: "Oh, what the hell." He grabs Susan's face and plants one on her. Susan: "Okay, that sort of felt unethical." She giggles, he coughs, and then he leaves for reals this time. Susan flaps her hands in front of her face, indicating the intensity of the heat of the moment.

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Desperate Housewives

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