Desperate Housewives
There's Something About a War

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There's Something About a War

Carlos gets into Sister Mary Hotpants's car (not a metaphor). Carlos, sheepishly: "I'd have invited you into the house, but the place is a real pigsty." SMH: "Carlos, I'm a nun, not a moron. I know Gabrielle despises me." Carlos, his eyes downcast all "aw shucks," explains that Gabby is "just jealous." SMH pretends to be confused by this news. Carlos: "She refuses to believe I can connect with anyone on a spiritual level." SMH concedes that they do indeed share an "amazing connection," which is why the other day she could totally tell, even from all the way across church, that Carlos is not happy. Carlos sighs and admits that maybe he has "been a little down lately," and SMH leans in eagerly. Carlos says it's the "whole having kids thing," regarding how he "wants them, so bad." SMH, looking smug: "But Gabrielle still refuses to give them to you?" Carlos mentions the miscarriage, but SMH wonders if it's "just a stall tactic" of Gabby's, and maybe Gabby has no intention of having children? Carlos, laughing a little self-sorry laugh: "Well, then I'm screwed." He apologizes (for saying "screwed" in front of a nun), but SMH agrees with him: "No, you're right. You're screwed." And she puts an extra-steely emphasis on the "screwed." Then she drops a little open-ended "unless..." bomb, and Carlos eagerly asks, "Unless what?!" She reaches over to her glove box and pulls out a pamphlet. It's the "American Catholic's Guide to Annulment"! There's some more text on the front of the pamphlet, but the only words I can make out are "in the beginning," which are plausible "annulment pamphlet" words, meaning the set-design people didn't just Greek in text, they actually created a bona fide pamphlet for this scene! (Between this and Lynette's yogurt campaign, the collateral materials in this episode? Superb!) SMH looks on nervously as Carlos skims the pamphlet, as though she's wondering if she's finally gone too far? But no: Carlos isn't angry, he's confused. He asks her what she means by giving him this pamphlet. Oh, SMH is just saying that "God helps those who help themselves."

Lynette's at the office, and she's wearing a flirty split skirt that flashes a nice bit of leg. She's on the phone with Tom, smiling big. Apparently they got the frogurt account! "The talking cows," she tells him, "rocked [the client's] world." Wait, talking cows? That's a total steal from the Real California Cheese commercials! Which aren't all that good in the first place! Though maybe it's too much for me to expect the DH scriptwriters to come up with a campaign that's both original and good just for the purposes of this episode. Okay, fine. Tom is super-excited by the news of the yay on the pitch, and he asks Lynette if they were into his "President Bull Clinton" suggestion? Lynette, lying: "Ahh...I rewrote some of the stuff we worked on, but essentially it's the same, and they ate it up!" Lynette has more good news: boss Ed has given the green light on the hiring of another "executive." I guess they have some money left after paying off Stu's sexy harassment suit? Tom: "Terrific! Tell me: did they like the promotional plan sponsoring the cow-tipping contest?" Lynette says something about that (bad, bad idea) getting cut from the pitch due to time constraints. But Tom is not daunted: "I'm just happy they loved my idea." Lynette -- not at all sure that this was Tom's idea (and it really wasn't) -- tries to counter his claim of ownership: "Well, to be fair--" But he cuts her off: "Did they like the Hugh Hefner and the Playcows?" Wow. Now that? Is a good idea! No, wait...it's udderly fantastic! Way to milk it, Tom! Moo-hoo! [Evany puts hand up for a high-five, but entire reading audience looks away and leaves her hanging. Slowly her five-less hand melts back down to her side. She retreats to a corner, where she dries up her lonely tears with a plateful of cookies. And…scene.] Lynette avoids having to address the "Playcows" by pretending that she's being beckoned into a meeting -- "Gottagoluvyabye!" -- and hangs up. Tom puts down the phone and punches the air with a little "Yeah!" Hm. I think Tom is perhaps not the best listener.

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