Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B+ | Grade It Now!
High on Life
p. Renee makes a Nightline joke, which sets Bree off discussing said show. Then Renee notices a hot guy at the end of the bar -- and it's Hot Handyman. Bree tells Renee not to bother, since he has a girlfriend, but she says if she can't see her, she doesn't exist. Bree tells the bartender what a fool her friend's about to make of herself, but the bartender tells her that Stephanie dumped Keith (finally! We know his name!) earlier today, and he's here drowning his sorrows. Bree heads to the bathroom, where she takes her hair down and flips her dress around. Her cleave is distractingly down to there when she comes back out and bumps into Hot Handyman. He tells her he's leaving, since he has to work tomorrow and his boss is pretty strict. She flirts that she is very strict, and then heads over to Renee. Renee's happy with Bree's new look, but tells her she's going home with Keith, who's pulling the car around. Bree tries every tactic to get her not to go home with him -- without admitting she has a thing for him. Bree asks Renee "What about me?" Renee, totally tone-deaf (or pretending), tells Bree, "It's getting late. Stay in a dim light, and don't play hard to get."

But Bree has other plans. When she gets home and sees Hot Handyman's truck in Renee's driveway, she calls his phone and tells him she's having a bit of an emergency. Then, "Oh, thank you. That's lovely." She hangs up and takes a golf club to the sprinkler heads in her front yard. Hot Handyman, who apparently has fixed the spraying water issues, looks at a sprinkler head and wonders why someone would do something like this. Bree: "Far be it for me to understand the minds of hooligans." She apologizes for calling him over at this hour, but he says it's okay; he wasn't doing anything special. Ooh, burn on Renee! Bree's glad to hear that, and would love to show her appreciation by making Hot Handyman dinner one night this week. He asks if it's like a date, but she says it doesn't need a label: just two adults eating food together. He says calling it a date is quicker, and Bree doesn't argue. So they set it up for 8 p.m. Thursday.

At the apartment complex of sadness and desperation, Susan watches Stacy Strauss leave and then heads into her place. She spots the vacuum and heads toward it with a screwdriver and a mischievous grin. Back on Wisteria Lane, Beth spots Mrs. McCluskey walking down the street. She tells her she was hoping to see her at the girls' poker game, but Mrs. McC says that once you get caught with some aces in your bra, you're banned for life. Beth asks if Mrs. McC knows why they don't like her husband. Mrs. McC tries to pretend she doesn't know, but quickly relents: "Fine. They think he's a murderer." Beth says he was exonerated since Felicia Tillman framed him, but Mrs. McC says that isn't the murder they all think he's guilty of: It was Felicia's sister, Martha's, Mrs. McC tells her, and if Felicia's crazy, "we all are."

Susan, dressed in her hot pink work clothes, turns on her computer to watch Stacy Strauss (let's hope she's not spending her easily earned money on that) with some popcorn. She watches Stacy try to do the vacuum bit for her finale, but instead of sucking up the apron, the vacuum shoots dirt out all over Stacy. Susan's thrilled, but turns it off and quickly gets to her own webcamming. She welcomes all the guests who might have just flipped over from different channels. Then there's a knock at her door. It's Stacy Strauss, covered in dust from her ass to her eyelashes. She's ready to take Susan down for this, so they fight. On camera. Maxine watches from her own place, of course, and eventually comes in -- but not to break it up; she's here to tell them to get back on camera if they're going to fight. Their ratings are through the roof, and even fried her router. I'm not sure anyone who works on this show understands technology. Maxine is upset to find this isn't a bit, and sends Stacy Strauss away for attacking Susan during a bit. She sends Stacy to her room. Uh-oh. Maxine's getting a bit controlling and scary.

Bree's doing yard work the next morning, when Renee sneaks up behind her and says, "So, a roving gang of hooligans destroyed your sprinklers?" She tells Bree that no one steals a man out of her bed, and now her new hobby will be to take Bree down. Bree suggests she stick to her original hobby of forgoing undergarments. Renee, no snappy comeback ready, tells Bree she'll be seeing her. Bree's looking forward to it. Or so she says. But she honestly looks a little scared. I guess she must have watched Ugly Betty, so she knows how truly terrifying Vanessa Williams can be -- almost as frightening as the heretic's fork.

Susan's doing laundry again when Stacy Strauss finds her again. She's here to apologize, since Maxine says she can't go back online until she apologizes. She's fake about it at first, but then sincerely apologizes, admitting she shouldn't have stolen Susan's bit, but she freaked out when she didn't get the bonus check. See, if you didn't pick up on it from her fake accent, her family's in Virginia and she's saving up to move back home, but she always feels like she's living week to week. Susan says she noticed a lot of nice stuff in Stacy Strauss's apartment: flat-screen TV, new clothes. Stacy Strauss knows she shouldn't have bought that, but she wants a little splurge sometimes. Susan gets it. Stacy Strauss says she'll definitely be out of here by the end of the year, though, and Susan says she will too. She asks Stacy Strauss how long she's been doing this, and finds out it's been six years.

Emotional music cuts to Susan asking Mike if he'd mind staying in and ordering Chinese for their anniversary. Mike: "What? No suit? No tie? No pretentious euro waiter listing specials that I can't understand? Dangit, Susan! Why?" They laugh, and he asks why she changed her mind. She thinks they should save their money, and have the fancy dinner when they move back home. Speaking of their home, Beth's presenting Paul with dinner and telling him she had a lovely poker game with the ladies. He asks what they're saying about him, and Beth tells him that "for starters, a lot of people seem to think you killed ... what's her name? Martha something?" Paul says Huber, and then says Felicia must have spread her poison pretty wide. Paul tells Beth he's not a murderer, and she says she knows, but she fell in love with him before she knew that, so she'll always be on his side. I think she might even be creeping Paul out at this point. But my theory, based on the ending of the season premiere, is that she's here as a mole for Felicia.

Tom finds a mopey Carlos, who says he's had a hard week. Tom tells him he can ease some of his stress, but Carlos hopes he's not going to offer him a back rub. Tom: "Nope. A mind rub." In that garage, Tom says he got totally baked this morning but Carlos smells the "pot" and tells Tom it's not pot; it's oregano. Tom says he bought it at a legit dispensary, so Carlos says someone must have switched it out. Tom's like: "Who?!" And Carlos looks at him like we all want to, all, "Really, Tom? Really?"

Tom accosts Lynette in the bathroom and tells her he knows it was her. She's all, "Whatever do you mean," so he holds up his pot container and she's like, "Oh, yeah. That was me." Then happily bounces out of the room. He tells her this isn't funny, but she says it's a little funny that he thought he was getting stoned on a pizza topping. He says his sense of betrayal is huge, so she suggests he snort some baking soda. He says he's glad she likes making a fool of him, so Lynette gets serious. She tells him that s

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Desperate Housewives




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