Desperate Housewives

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M. Giant: C+ | Grade It Now!
Welcome To Kanagawa

It's Victor's funeral, and Gabby sits alone in the front pew with Victor's father, Milton. They quietly spar a bit over Gabby's emotional state (apparently chipper, despite her claims that she's a wreck inside), and then Milton reminds Gabby that the reading of Victor's will is today. And he's got some advance word on Gabby's share: she will be inheriting precisely dick. And even if Victor had wanted to leave her anything, it's all in Milton's name, and Milton knows all about Gabby's affair with Carlos. And to add insult to previous insult, Milton tells Gabby to leave the church. When she bristles at being kicked out of her husband's funeral, he informs her that he'll be delivering the eulogy, and if she's still there, he'll tell everyone, "You are a cheating, lying whore." Advantage: Lang. Gabby leaves, defeated. And stared at. A lot.

Bree arrives at Bob and Lee's with one of her trademark baskets of muffins. The contractor who's fixing her house, Walter, is also there, and they're all looking like somebody died. Walter says it's not that, but he claims that he's not going to be able to fix Bree's house. Bree angrily tells Walter he can't abandon her, but as Walter gets into his truck, he emotionally says that people do that sometimes. Ah, I think I see what happened here. Bree turns to Bob and Lee, who flinch at her glare. They reveal to Bree that Walter's ex-boyfriend just moved in with someone else. Bree tells them to fix him up with one of their friends, but Bob and Lee can't help, what with Walter being a three and Bob and Lee having friends who are all nines. "And in the gay world, three does not go into nine," Lee explains. There's an off-color square-root joke in there somewhere, but I'm not sure I want to go after it. Bree, of course, is not ready to give up on her new roof. Which means that Walter's broken heart just became her top priority.

Susan is trying to do three things at once: carry an armload of groceries, get into her house, and have a cell phone conversation with someone about trying to get in to see Mike while he's in rehab. Eventually she gives up on the conversation. She also gives up on not crying, until she finally gets through the door. Inside, the place is transformed, with classical music playing and candles everywhere and clean laundry and dinner in the oven. "This has just replaced your birth as the best day of my life," Susan tells an equally excited Julie. Bree arrives in the kitchen, adjusting the set-for-four table and mentioning that she fixed a hem on Julie's skirt. "She's like the mother I never had!" Julie gushes to Susan. Does Bree just, like, hang the baby in the closet or something?

Carlos is in the hospital with bandages around his eyes. When Gabby shows up, he sets up for an imminent bit about how the button they gave him to administer his own pain medication makes him a little too mellow. Gabby arrives with the news that she's been shut out of any inheritance from the Lang family. Carlos holds out his hand and says, "Good thing you hooked up with another rich guy." Carlos can tell from Gabby's reaction that something's up, so Gabby clicks Carlos's pain button over and over again as she tells Carlos about how the only copy of the account paperwork blew away. Carlos starts to freak, but the narcotics flooding his system do their thing, and he all but passes out. As Gabby leaves, he threatens/slurs, "If we can't find those papers, so help me..." One more click of the button, and Gabby's out.

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Desperate Housewives




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