The Ladies get together to gossip about the Applewrongs at the traditional Wisteria Lane Blood Drive (where, incidentally, Zana discovers that he shares the very same rare blood type Mike has). Together, the Wisteria Women decide that Bree should ask her good friend Detective Barton (you remember, the one who thought she murdered Rex?) to do some Betty-and-Matthew snooping, so Bree invites him to lunch. Unfortunately, Barton gets the wrong idea about the invite, and when Bree informs him that the date isn't a Date, he gets grumpy, and then Bree gets tipsy. Driving home, vengeful Barton pulls Bree over for driving under the influence, and when she protests, he cuffs her, puts her in the slammer, and impounds her car. Later that night, Bree is finally free to leave, but she's too proud to call a friend for a ride home, so she decides to hoof it. Betty just happens to drive by, and stops to offer Bree a ride. When Bree's lies about automotive difficulties turn awkward (with Betty's repeated offers to call her auto club, et cetera), Bree blurts out what really happened. When Betty seems unwilling to believe that Bree's DUI was a fabrication (and really, Bree was pretty tipsy at lunch, so maybe the DUI was valid?), Bree lashes out at Betty and tells her that the whole neighborhood has been whispering about the Applewrongs. Bree stomps off into her house, and Betty immediately places an "I think I need to sell my house" call to Edie. Nude pictures of Gabby (property of a previous boyfriend) appear on the internet. Carlos the transformed good Catholic is reluctant to heed Gabby's wishes for him to go rough up the offending site owner. Instead, Carlos simply decides to chat reasonably with the man. And Gabby's ex turns out to be more than willing to pull down the images because, he confesses to Carlos, Gabby isn't really "internet hot" anyway. Carlos disagrees (he thinks Gabby's body is "perfect"), and he expresses this difference of opinion by throwing the man through a window. On an excruciating blind date, Susan conks her head and winds up in the hospital, where she develops a crush on a cute, young doctor. To secure a second visit with Dr. Young, Susan lies about her symptoms, and he spends a sleepless night trying to track down the cause of her mysterious ailments. When she confesses that she made it all up, he gets mad, and yet? He still wants to take her for sushi! When the Scavo kids get chicken pox, Mr. Mom Tom is girlishly afraid to go anywhere near them because he's worried he'll catch sick and wind up infertile. Lynette is puzzled by this phobia, seeing as she and Tom don't plan to have any more children. Tom explains that if Lynette ever dies, he'd like the option to start another family with someone new. Jealous of this fictitious future wife/life, Lynette demands that Tom get a vasectomy. Tom agrees, but then at the last second he balks. Being a househusband, he tells Lynette, is emasculating enough; snipping his parts would be the last straw. In short, the Scavo marriage is now, suddenly, on the rocks. Mike visits Noah (Deidre's dad), who's not looking well (i.e. he's dying). Mike tells Noah a fat lie about how Deidre's killer was, oh, just some low-life drug dealer, whom Mike has killed, per Noah's instructions/payments. Noah seems to believe Mike's story, and yet...what's this? His new nurse is the beloved Felicia Tillman! Methinks Mike's beans (about Deirdre's true killer) are about to be spilled!
MAVO: "Jim Halverson was aware that he had little to offer a woman: he was neither rich, nor smart, nor handsome." Jim (who is played by Greg Germann, better known as sleazy Richard Fish on Ally McBeal) is waiting at the bar in a nice-ish looking restaurant. "So when his friends set him up on a blind date with a beautiful stranger," Susan walks up to Jim, and he says, "Wow, you're so much hotter than Vicky said you'd be! So how old are you?" Smooth, very smooth. Also, who's Vicky? Susan has a friend named Vicky who sets her up on dates with terrible men? Who knew! Susan, flirtily: "How old do you think I am?" MAVO: "Jim made the tragic decision to try to be funny." Jim: "Not a day over fifty!" Jim laughs at his quip, but Susan doesn't join him, no, not at all. Icily, she suggests they head over to their table, and Jim makes matters worse by trying to explain that he was just kidding. Just, just kidding. Jim, trailing after Susan: "See, that was funny because you're so obviously not fifty, that's why I said 'fifty' because that's absurd..."
As the two dig into their dinners, MAVO takes us on a tour of Jim's conversational failures: "Jim did everything he could to get Susan Mayer to laugh. He tried racial humor." Jim: "So guess what time Chinese people go to the dentist?" Susan looks at him blankly. Jim: "Two-thirty." Susan makes a lame effort to smile. Jim: "Get it? Tooth hurty? Tooth hurty!" And the second "tooth hurty" he delivers in a "wacky Asian" voice. Susan squeezes out an anemic smile. (FYI and FWIW: Jokes on a first date -- I'm not talking "joking around," I mean actually reciting scripted jokes -- are a big red flag. Racist jokes? A deal-breaker.) MAVO: "He tried to be engagingly risqué." Jim: "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!" Ah yes, that old saw. Susan raises her eyebrows a centimeter and then re-concentrates on her dinner. Jim: "Ahhhh...you know what a 'rectum' is, right?" Susan chokes on her food and then shoots him a "what the hell's wrong with you?" look. MAVO: "He even tried gentle teasing." Jim, clearly already deep into another terrible conversation mistake: "No, no. You see, by comparing you to a Nazi, I was making the point that you're so...not a Nazi." Susan is yet again under-thrilled. MAVO: "And just when Jim thought the date couldn't get any worse..." Jim accidentally tips over his napkin, which is still folded into a tent beside his plate (and not in his lap where it should be), and it falls to the floor. Susan reaches over to pick it up just as Jim does the very same thing. And...CRACK! They knock heads. Jim collapses unconscious to the floor, while Susan manages to stay upright, but she's holding her head, clearly in pain (and/or in colossal disappointment over the date itself). The MAVO continues: "...It did."
Cut to the hospital. A young doctor shines a light into Jim's eyes and tells him to look up, down, et cetera. Dr. Young asks what, exactly, happened, and Susan jumps in to explain that it was "an accident." Jim: "Oh, I don't know about that: in some cultures head-butting is a mating ritual." Susan shoots Jim him a disgusted look. She asks "Dr. McCreedy" if she can "talk to him...away from [she looks over at Jim] the...draft." He tells her to call her "Dr. Ron" as they retreat into a corner. Susan begs Dr. Young to admit her for the night...anything, everything, whatever it takes to get her out of this, the worst date of her life. Dr. Young looks over at Jim, who's talking to a nurse while pulling the fingers of an inflated rubber glove. Susan, begging now, grabs Dr. Young by the lapels. She tells him that her "mental health" is at risk, and she reminds him that he "took an oath." He asks her to unhand him, and she looks down at his crumpled lab coat with surprise. "Sorry," she whispers as she pats and smoothes his shoulders. He tells her that as sorry as he is to hear that her date is a disaster, he still can't admit her. Dr. Young heads back over to the exam table to check Jim's reflexes. Jim tells him a joke (clearly Jim is socially broken): "What is the correct medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?" The doctor cocks his eyebrows in the barest hint of a "go on," and Jim delivers the punch line: "Hare cut." Susan closes her eyes like, "Oh god, make it go away," while Dr. Young gives Jim the same blank look Susan wore throughout the date. Dr. Young: "Jim? I'm going to need to keep you here awhile...run some tests." But Susan is free to go. Susan looks so obviously happy to hear this news that even Jim catches wind of it, and his brow darkens into a "hey, wait a second" little furrow. MAVO: "And though it only lasted a moment, Jim caught the look that passed between his date [Susan smiles warmly at Dr. Young] and his doctor [Dr. Young winks back]. And [Jim] suddenly got the feeling the joke was on him." Yes, yes it was.