When we return from commercial, Mary Alice is talking about desire: Gaby's is for clothes, Edie's is for dessert and Porter's is for older women. Lynette wants Porter to call "that woman" and tell her he's never seeing her again. He snottily tells his parents that her name is Anne. Lynette outsnots him with, "Her name is Mrs. Schilling. She was your tee ball coach when you were six," and asks if Porter's best friend knows. Porter says they're keeping their relationship from Kirby for now. Tom tells him this isn't a relationship, but Porter insists it is, because he loves her. Lynette says she's going to call her, but Porter doesn't want her to, in case her husband answers. He says that Anne's husband is abusive and mean, and would kill her if he knew. Lynette rightfully tells him that's just one of the pitfalls of dating a married woman. Is it weird that what sounds, on paper, like one of the soapiest plots on this show turns out to be the most complex, well-written story line this show has seen in a long time? I guess it's not that weird, since Tom and Lynette are involved. They make so many things better than they should be. Porter says he'll end things with Anne if his mom and dad promise not to tell Mr. Schilling. He says he'll leave and never come back if they tell. Tom relents on behalf of both parents, but Lynette says if he doesn't end things with Anne, he won't have to run away because they'll throw him out.
Orson and Bree are having a meeting with a grunt employee, Charlie, who stole $200 from petty cash. He won't admit it, but they told him they have concrete evidence and he confesses. Bree says he's fired and they'd like their money back. He spent it, and his pot dealer didn't give a receipt for a return. He asks them not to tell his parents and he'll get them their money. He leaves, and Bree can't believe he's a thief and a pothead. But, I think it's actually not that strange for someone who'd be one of those things to also be the other one. Orson says this explains where that missing cookie dough went.